This Post Is Not Going to Amaze You

Warning: This post is not going to amaze you, blow you away, unveil any startling information about life or death, or how to go at either. This post is not going to make you want to create a viral video and spread it across all the 299 social network sites you belong to. You will not want to like it, tweet it, share it, digg it, pin it, +1 it, Stumble or Tumble it, or maybe even read it.  

This, right here, is going to be a below-average, unplanned, spontaneous, barely edited regular-ole’-Joe kind of post. 

So, hold onto your socks, they’re not going anywhere. 

I’m a writer, so I have pretty high standards for anything everything I put out into the world that includes words.

This includes my Memoir I’ve been working on diligently for 1.5 years now, Workshop Proposals, Press Releases, website content, newspaper articles, contributing articles for sites like Wandering Educators, text messages, blog comments, Facebook posts, Pinterest posts, and…it includes this blog.

With every flashy would-be Blog Headline that passes through my mind, I pin it like a Pinterest pin on the bulletin board of my mind and ask myself one question…

Pulitzer Prize material, or not?

Ha! I’m just kidding!

My standards are kind of high, though. Someone once told me, “There’s no such thing as a great first draft, only great editing.” I’m a writer, so I know that all good content comes in the tedious task of working and re-working, fine-tuning, and fine-tooth-combing your work to make it as good as it can possibly be.

So, where does this leave me in the great post-something-once-or-twice-or-30-times-a-day Blog world?

It leaves me wishing I could write faster, edit with more feverish fervor, hire SuperNanny, win the lottery and just lower my own ridiculous bar so I can just step over it and get on with blasting out multiple amaze-a-friend posts many times per day.

But, every time I write to you, dear friends, I want to be profound, dangit! I want to move you tears, knock those socks off of ya right into the next room, urge you to do something about something, or simply sink you deeper into the seat of your soul as you read. That is my intention, every day (or every other day, or once a week, or once every other week, or as often as I can!).

Every day I check my email inbox to find a plethora of consistent bloggers (like this guy or better yet, this gal who’s preggo with numero quatro, homeschools, and still blogs every day) dumping yet another gift-wrapped, neat little bit of their being into my email box, all nice and tidy, pristine and pretty, looking quite nicely edited, and even with fantastic photos to go with…and I think, what the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I do that?

I wish I could post more! I’m sure I could make a full-time job out of delighting and inspiring you daily, but, we all know, “real life” comes first.

These two.

And a dream for this:

And maybe this:

And in between, a dream to have just one person a day come here, and feel…something…feel known, seen, heard, understood, deepened, or dare I say, enlightened?

And, profundity takes time, and work, and thoughtfulness. I’m not saying those who produce multiple posts a day don’t use all these tools – just that I guess I move at a slower pace???

What’s The Punchline? 

All this being said, in this amazingly wonderfully blaise, inadequate, ill-formatted and unplanned post…

I am making plans for what I hope will be a series of Posts That Will Amaze, Stun & Shock You (oops, sorry, the overzealous Circus Ringleader in me just urped out there!).

They’ll be comin’ right up, hot and fresh, just as soon as I can take 42 hours to edit each one ’til it’s perfectly, tidily, primly, properly, proportionately prepared for you.

And The Moral of the Story Is (Because we always have to have a moral!)

I’m sure you can tell, the tone of my posts has changed. Don’t worry, I’ll get all serious and deep on you again soon! For now, and for the first time in three very long years of pure, unimaginable funeral-ridden hell, I am sitting back and soaking up the rays of joy that are spreading ooey-gooey-cheesy sunshine into every crevice of my life.

I worked VERY hard to get to this place – to be able to get up in the morning and choose to see the glass half full, instead of feeling the weight of lack, pain, grief, and sorrow defining my existence. It took a lot of work for me to pull back the edges of the black cloud over me, and search for a rainbow in the sky somewhere above it. So, I do believe a bit of “Just for the joy of it!” celebrating is in order for a time!

I’m looking forward to sharing my upcoming series on the gifts in loss with you soon. First, I’ve got a little joy calling me. I’m throwing a birthday party for my son – a birthday party! I haven’t enjoyed something as silly and inane as throwing a birthday party in A YEAR! Can you believe I’m over-the-moon about Traffic Signal Rice Krispy Treats and Grape-pinned Apple Cars?! This is miraculous in and of itself.

Every day, I’ve been waking up, choosing to live, “Just for the joy of it! Just for the joy of it!” For a girl who’s got as many funeral dresses as Katherine Heigl had bridesmaids dresses in 27 dresses, this is pretty freaking fantastic, I think. So, page views, take a break for awhile if you must, I’ll be sendin’ some more amazin’ your way soon. We’ve got recessions to beat, tragedies to alight, awakenings to unfold, soul food to crunch, and much more…coming right up, on a hot soul-plate of somethin’, as soon as I can whip slow cook up some more homemade profundity for you all!

They do say, it’s all about quality, not quantity, right?!

(Goshdangit, I just couldn’t do it – I simply COULD NOT put this post out there without some prissy, perfecting editing and some pretty pictures! Dangit! The Writer Within wins again!) 

Announcing: “Open to Hope” For You

I’m very excited to announce that I’ve been asked to be a Contributing Author for Open To Hope, a site focused on supporting bereaved family members after the death of a loved one. Open To Hope is an extremely comprehensive site with sections on Pregnancy Loss, Death of a Child, Death of a Spouse, Death of a Sibling, Hospice and much more.

This is such an honor, as I’m joining the ranks of renowned authors, PhD’s, Grief Counselors, Professors and people like me, who have brandished themselves against the stone of grief to glean what gifts they could.

You Win…A New Car! (Really!)

This week, I’ve been rolling down a rowdy river of abundance, and so I decided it was time to stop and take roll call on the gratefulness gravy train, and pay it forward…by sharing it with you.

Please excuse me, because I think I’m about to start sounding like an overzealous car salesman here. I can’t help but overuse exclamation points – looking back at the last couple weeks, I really have to be exuberantly thankful, which requires prolific use of exclamation points and capitalization!

In the last two weeks…

I was GIVEN a new car at a fraction of the cost of my old one!
I was GIVEN hundreds of dollars worth of free groceries, and coupons for more!
My utility bills were paid in full for this month and next!
I received a new cell phone I needed (because my son keeps taking my phones for swims) for FREE.
I was GIVEN a shopping spree for my entire family.
And, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

I highly recommend this book. I hope I don't sound too pentecostally charismatic when I say, IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE! It has, really!

I have been reading (and re-reading) Catherine Ponder’s “Open Your Mind to Receive,” a gift from a dear friend who attributes a great deal of her success to this book.

Two of the main principles I’ve been practicing are:

1. Release your attachment to people, places and stuff and,
2. Giving is the first step to receiving. (We’ll discuss this one more in a later post.)

I’d like to tell you about how powerful the art of release has been in my life, as it’s been a sort of a “piano practice” for me these last few years in the midst of the throws of this lovely Recession.

“The act of release is one of your most effective forms of opening your mind to receive. [It] frees you from tightness, tension, and grasping…[and] helps you to become an open, receptive channel through which the intelligence of the Universe can flow to you…”
~Open Your Mind to Receive, pg. 26

Since I started reading this book, I’ve been practicing my own abridged version of one of her suggested affirmations.

I release my attachment to all people, places and things of the past or present. I manifest my true place with true prosperity now.

At first the idea of saying such a thing sounded absolutely ludicrous and outlandish to me. I started into this section of the book thinking, “I’m a perfectly content self-confessed co-dependent! I don’t want to release anything!”

But, then my dear friend, RECESSION came along and, like it or not, he started bush-whacking these lovely lessons on the art of releasing into me.

I used to hold on to my stuff, my people, and my little Linus’ blanket of materialistic paraphernalia I thought life and happiness required of me, so tightly, I nearly killed myself trying to grip it all as it slipped away.

It's just STUFF! Release and receive, release and receive!

When I started releasing, and releasing some more, and then a little more, I discovered a priceless gift this insidious friend, Recession, had given. That gift was freedom.

Remember? “The act of release frees you from tightness, tension and grasping.”

Oh the things I have released now! Homes, cars, jobs, people, places – you name it!

Catherine Ponder goes on to explain that this act of release frees us from negativity. I can see that now – because I no longer feel imprisoned by an attachment to people, places or things. If it’s not working for me anymore – if it’d serve me better to release it, sell it, give it away, or let it go in some way – I happily proceed forward. Here’s why:

“Elimination of something from your life is always an indication that something better is on the way.”

I could throw out countless stories to illustrate this point in my life (ah yes, that’s what the book I’m writing is for!). For now, I’ll just share my one most amazing recent illustration.

A few weeks back, I was imprisoned by a car payment that was no longer serving me, for a car that needed new tires, brakes, and maintenance I couldn’t give it. I’ve been repeating this affirmation daily:

I am now receiving. I am receiving now. I am receiving all the abundance the Universe has for me now.

But one day, as I was driving said maintenance-challenged SUV, I just looked up at the sky and made my request a little more direct:

“This car needs work, Universe! Ok, I’m trusting (insert gritting teeth here) that I am already receiving all the things I need for this car. So there!”

And, yes, I did stick my nose up at the sky with confidence at that last part!

In making this rather direct request, I tried to keep my mind open, just as Ponder suggests, to receive in any way possible, not just the ways I could foresee.

TWO WEEKS later, I RECEIVED a phone call out of the blue, offering me a car at a fraction of the cost of my car!

At first, I laughed at the sky, for fulfilling my request in a way I could not have foreseen. Then, I found out this new car had brand new versions of everything I’d been lacking in the old one – brakes, tires, etc. I knew it was the Universe replying – ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, my dear!

Bye, bye, old car!
(Not that's not really my old car, stalkers! Just trying to illustrate the point!)

To receive the new income, I had to release my old car, and any ideas I had about what kind of a car I wanted. Then, I got something, “BETTER!”

“Better” is not always, bigger, grander, more expensive or wonderfully ridiculous. Sometimes “better” is “smaller and more affordable.” “Better” may serve my heart more then my pocketbook, or serve my pocketbook more then my ego!

The art of release can be a painful one sometimes, but only when we try to grasp the things we need to release. If we are willing to open our minds to receive, and release our limitations and expectations on how exactly we should receive, we create an open channel for abundance to flow into our lives.

So, hop aboard your own gratefulness gravy train – grasp everything in your life as tightly as sand slipping through your fingers, and watch your “income” turn from a fight to a flow.

Let go, release, and receive! I dare you to try it!

(And to that special anonymous car-donor – you know who you are – thank you for sharing your abundance! You’ve got great car-ma comin’ your way. Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.)

P.S. I’m compiling some first-hand testimonials on the Release and Receive concept and how it’s worked for others. Do you have a story you could share? Have you released, and received something unexpected? Leave a comment below, and your story might be featured in a future episode of the Gratefulness Gravy Train!

Dear Sweet Nephew: I’m Smiling at the Memory of You Today

Dear Sweet Nephew,

Hi, how are you? What’s it like living in the light you were on Earth?

I thought today I would write to you, because today it’s been 10 years since you left this Earth. I know you are still nearby, and all around, but, losing the chance to hold you in my arms and run my fingers through your beautiful blond hair again, that was the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.

Marking 10 years today makes me look back on the last decade of my life without you. Of course, I wonder how things would be different if you hadn’t left. I wonder what an almost 13 year old version of you would look like, be like; how you would fit into a space in my life, how you would be a big brother, a son, a cousin.

But, I try not to dwell on thoughts like that, because obviously I can’t change what happened, I can’t bring you back. In my mind, you’ve stayed almost 3 eternally. In a way, that is a joy, because you were such a bright, beautiful, innocent beam of light in your short little life, and you’ve stayed that way in my mind.

These anniversaries have always been hard for me, but strangely not today. Today, I felt nothing but joy in remembering you. I can’t believe it’s taken 10 years to get to this point, where I can think of you and feel more joy then sorrow.

For the first few years after you died, I ached for weeks before March 15, every year. I wanted to hold a memorial service or plaster a huge sign on my roof, “I LOST THE BEST THING I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!” I wanted the world to see my pain, I wished every person on this planet had known you, and known what they lost when you left this Earth so soon.

Then came all these ridiculous grief experiences these last few years, and each one has reminded me of you. So, I thought it was about time to deal with the pain of your loss. I started writing my book. I know you’ve been watching me write it – you’ve been right there in the pages of it with me. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to publish the parts about you or not – but I was meant to write them.

I know some people might think it looks like living in the past, but I think, actually, it was the first time I could look at the pain of your death with eyes of compassion for myself, with awareness, and courage to face the depths of the pain.

I wrote out every last detail of you – I put to paper every single piece of you I could remember. I wracked my brain for memories, so I could put into words exactly what it felt like when you ran your fingers through my hair, what it felt like to chase you to the Ice Cream Truck on a warm summer afternoon, what it felt like to hug you for the last time.

There were a lot of memories of your death that I had buried, and they were painful to dig up, but I faced them, courageously, so I could get past them. Writing about you seemed to help heal the wounds, leave them there on the pages once and for all, with all the ugliness and betrayal I felt over having to say goodbye to you forever.

Now, 10 years later, I’m not stuck in the pain of your loss anymore.

I’ve been reminded of how blessed I was to pay witness to your little life, your curiosity and zest for observing every little thing, great or small.

Now, I realize, the best way to honor your life, would be to live like you did, and to help others live that way – to live in pure JOY.

So, that’s what I want to do. I want to help people find a way to joy.

The pain of your loss was so hard because I thought I had lost that joy, but now I’m realizing, joy is not something that can be lost forever. It is simply lost, then found, again. It disappears, and reappears in other forms. When we hold no attachment to how we receive joy, we open ourselves up to receiving it from a gazillion different abundant sources. But, if we stay stuck in the sorrow of a loss, we lose out on seeing the joy that always exists around us.

After my Grandma died last week, I decided, I’m moving forward, just for the joy of it. I keep hearing those words over and over and over in my head since that day I sat at her bedside and felt her, as if she were standing behind me. I could hear her saying, “Just for the joy of it!” With that much exuberance, too! She was telling me to live just for the joy of experiencing every moment.

I needed that wake-up call because these last few years have sent me to Hell and back, repeatedly, and each time, I’ve come back with the fire and brimstone ashes of Hell’s fire on my feet, treading pain and anger everywhere I go.

I don’t want to live like that – in the pain and suffering; the lack of loss. I’m realizing, joy and sorrow are on two sides of one thread, and it’s up to me which ends of the threads I want to use to weave my life together from here.

So, today, on a day that has always made me wistful and melancholy, all I can do is smile at the giggle-busting memories of you. I usually cry on this day every year, but today, I don’t feel an inkling of a tear in me. I just remember how much I used to love to play with you – I lived to be invited into your little Universe each day. I would follow your breadcrumbs anywhere they took me, because I knew every moment with you would feel magical.

I've been trying to spread the smiles with my own two kidlets - looks like it's workin'!

I want to try now, to create those giggle-busting moments in my own life, with my own kids, and the people I encounter each day. I want to try to be to my kids as a Mom, what I was to you, as an Aunt.

I want to push myself to expand in joy, instead of contracting in fear and pain. I want to spread joy, not just to my family, but to tons and tons of people all the over the place. Will you help me do that? Nudge me with a little inkling of your light every now and again so I don’t forget it? Help me keep this promise to myself and my little neck of the world?

You are not a part of my past, sweet boy, you are part of my present, and always will be. The joy you gave me, the light you filled me with – it’s still here. You’re still here. I can feel you. Thank you for all the indescribably perfect memories you gave me, for making me feel so special in your world, for two years and ten months of joy I’ll never forget with you. Thank you for loving me then, and loving me still. I’ll see you in my dreams and giggles, sweet boy. I’ll see you in my smiles. 

Promise Yourself

Promise Yourself…
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you
-Christian D. Larson

Just Added Another Angel to my Heaven…

My Grandma passed away yesterday.

The last week or so watching her go as been pretty painful – one of the most painful losses I’ve had to witness yet, even in all the death I’ve experienced these last few years.

This is the third grandparent I’ve lost in 8 months. Wow.

And, she is number 13 in 3 years. Can you believe that? Thirteen deaths in three years?! I shared that number with a friend yesterday and he responded, “If I lost 13 people, I wouldn’t have anyone left. That would be all my family and friends.”

That made it hit home for me. It really has been quite a thing.

I told myself the other day, “Wow, I must have some really wonderful friends and family – God seems to want ‘em all back!”

I had a really horrific weekend, hence the reason I didn’t come and post. I did journal though, but what I wrote in my journal would need lots of black “censor” tags over it! I always say, a good journal is a best friend in times of grief. You can tell it anything, be honest, uncensored, horrific, angry, scary, mean – and it doesn’t judge you. In fact, if you read it back, it even gives you a good little dose of empathy, if you’ll have it.

I’m not feeling as angry now. I’m just taking this all in and trying to find the “Gifts in Grief,” as I always do. That’s such a funny term I’ve picked to use, because, really, at this point, fresh off a loss, it’s a hard thing to think of – finding gifts in grief.

But, I did find gifts, believe it or not.

This was the first time I really felt at peace with someone leaving. You might think, “Well, it’s easier to let go of someone in their 80′s who’s lived a long, full life,” and in some regards, you are right. But, on the other hand, this loss snuck up on us, when we thought she had years left with us, and it was a very hard loss to watch. I was angry and sad, and when I first heard she was dying, I decided to be angry at the sky/God/the Universe for handing me another death because, well, seriously, haven’t we had enough here lately?!

I sat at her bed side and my whole body held itself against what was happening. I was angry for myself, having to sit at another death bed. I was angry, again, for knowing all the signs of death. I was angry at my circumstances of kids, stress, work and life getting in the way of spending more time with her before she went.

But, again, I forced myself to get quiet and go within. I sat next to her bed, and closed my eyes, and did something very unusual, for me – for anyone, at that.

I smiled.

In my quiet, I could feel my Grandma’s spirit. I could feel her becoming a piece of the Earth, the sun, the sky. I could feel her almost splitting her spirit into a billion pieces and spreading herself out over the entire cosmos. There, there she is in the blade of grass. There, there she is in the warmth of the sun on my skin. There, there she is meandering down the creek in a flood of water. There, there she is, standing behind me, whispering, “You have been such a joy to me, dear.”

A feeling came over me that I could not describe. Something I had not identified yet, even in all this death. I could not name it, until one of my best friend’s named it for me, in a text message, the next day.

Friend: How are you doing today?

Me: Strangely, ok, somehow. Can’t explain it, but just feeling really at peace with it.

Friend: It took me 40 years to figure out that the “somehow” is the answer for a lot of my problems. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I wait it out. Something changes, everything changes. It is not my will activating anything, that much I know. Grace is a nice word for it.

Me: Nice way to put it. Thanks for sharing that.

grace:

1. a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:

Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness.

3. mercy; clemency; pardon

Synonyms: lenity, leniency, reprieve.

Yes, I do believe it was Grace that swept over me as I sat there at her bedside and found a smile in me. I felt unspeakable joy, peace…and grace.

The day before, I had read my Grandma this passage out of “You Are Here” (take notes, I want this read at my funeral!). As I sat there, I felt the words become powerfully real and true in this experience.

This body is not me.
I am not limited by this body.
I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born,
and I have never died.
Look at the ocean and the sky filled with stars, manifestations from my wondrous true mind.
Since before time, I have been free.
Birth and death are only doors through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey.
Birth and death are a game of hide- and seek.
So laugh with me,
hold my hand,
let us say good-bye,
say good-bye, to meet again soon.
We meet today.
We will meet again tomorrow.
We will meet at the source every moment.
We meet each other in all forms of life.

~By Thich Nhat Hanh, Chanting and Recitations from Plum Village. Page 188.

It was in that moment, that this feeling of being the Grim Reaper Girl seemed to dissipate in me.

I’ve called myself that, because I’ve felt like death was following me, and that I somehow, always end up ushering people out of this life. I don’t like all the ugliness of death in it’s physicality – it’s uncomfortable, unspeakable, hard to witness, hard to be fully present to. But, I am able to be present to it, and I think if I can be fully present sitting at death’s doorstep, I can pretty much face anything.

And, it’s not all ugly. It’s really how we look at it. I’ve been blessed to have people come into my life and remind me of what an honor it is to be with someone in death. In Buddhist teachings, they say Death and Birth are interconnected. We could not have one without the other.

I’m not religious, I don’t know what happens on the “other side.” I’d like to believe in a Heaven that looks a little like Robin William’s painted heaven in “What Dreams May Come” or Susie Salmon’s “dogs dancing” heaven in the book, “The Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold.

It does comfort me, though, to hear what people who’ve had NDE’s (near-death experiences) say – it’s always this overwhelming sense of peace, light and love they describe.

Believing we are all headed for that unspeakable joy and grace, I decided this time, to see the honor of celebrating someone into the afterlife, not just the hurt. It doesn’t take the hurt away, it just holds the hurt in that state of grace. I don’t know if I could do this again with death, and I don’t think I could ever go back, say to my nephew’s loss, and be able to find smiles through the tears over a loss that cruel. But, this time, for a girl who has certainly felt enough of the pain of death, it was nice to feel a little grace, too. 

A thought came into my heart as I smiled, “I’m NOT the Grim Reaper Girl. I’m just an angel on earth (as we all are!), helping other angels find their way home.”

What an honor that is, don’t you think?

So, what’s the morale of my story, my dears?

Celebrate life, every day, in every way.

Celebrate life, even ’til it’s last breaths on this Earth.

Celebrate life, even into the afterlife.

Wake up each day, and celebrate your life.

Always remember, there is joy unspeakable to be found, in every moment, in every experience.

For every sorrow once brought joy, and every death, large or small, to the afterlife, or just a new life on Earth, is a rebirth as well.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Facing Another Loss

#13 is looming on the horizon…

Not going into details to respect my family’s privacy in such a hard time, but just thought, seeing as this is my place to share on life and loss, and my journey through it…I’d come here in the rawness of grief and tell you, think of me.

It’s been a hard couple days, but yes, the piano practice of grief has made me a beautiful composer.

I forced myself to get out in nature day before yesterday, and had the most blissful amazing day of “seeing the beauty around the pain.” I hiked all the way up a mountain, unprepared, not intending to. I had to carry books in my hands up steep cliffs, in the wrong shoes, with only half a bottle of water on a wind-whipped day. But, I forced myself to do it, to remind myself how strong and capable I am, how I always have everything I need within me.

It reminded me of the journey through grief. We often feel unprepared, but find, we have everything we need within to get through it.

On the way back down the mountain, butterflies danced with me. Butterflies are my sign from the other side, that my angels are with me. Yes, I do have lots of angels. Lots of angels on heaven and earth with me. That is one thing I have in abundance.

As hard and numbing as this space is, I feel so raw and pure, so unadulterated, unfettered, innocent and hauntingly vulnerable. I am proof that there is beauty in pain.

Maybe it is my job to BE the beauty in the pain.

Maybe it is my job to simply SEE the beauty in the pain.

I’m not sure, yet, because right now, I feel more pain than beauty, but I am trying, trying, trying…trying to be the beauty, see the beauty, and not let the pain consume me.

Thanks for listening to my grief ramblings.

That Scares the BLEEP Out of Me!

Fear or faith, fear or faith, fear or faith?

A new unintentional mantra for me of late?

I keep hearing it over and over in my head, like the soundtrack of Oz’s munchkins replaying: Which one will you choose, Megan? Fear or faith? Fear or faith?

I’m used to choosing fear. That’s the old pattern.

But, over the last few years, I’ve been pushing myself to choose faith more often.

I’m doing that again right now.

I am getting ready to be courageous and take a risk on many new fronts and that SCARES THE BLEEP OUTTA ME. (I was going to say it scares the hell outta me, but that just doesn’t seem right…maybe saying it scares the Heaven outta me, or the Heaven on Earth outta me would be better…but those ones just don’t have the same ring to ‘em.)

But, I’m kind of enjoying that it scares the bleep out of me because, well, this is something new, being scared by my own sacred force at pushing myself OUT of my boxes.

Yesterday, a dear friend said to me, “It seems to me that maybe fear is simply a natural part of the process for all of us when we’re pushing ourselves out of the box.”

That was a little ah-ha moment for me. I thought maybe the fear was my intuition screaming, “RED ALERT! RED ALERT! YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THIS, MEGAN!”

Instead, I think that fear is an indicator that I am releasing my old patterns of staying in the fear, and doing the thing I’m being pulled toward anyway.

I think I fear new things because they have the potential to be so great. Just as Marianne Williamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

So, my new motto of late: Do something that scares you every day.

It’s actually a pretty refreshing way to live. I’m done waiting for everything to be “perfect” before I follow through on my dreams, intuitions and ambitions. If I waited for everything to be “perfect,” I’d be waiting ’til I’m dead.

I’m choosing faith over fear, although it’s a lot of work! All I can do is prepare as best I can for each thing I face, then step forward in faith as I follow the voice within.

There’s a chance I may “fail” in the eyes of the world, but wait, wait, wait, wait! How could I possibly be standing here right now without ALL my “failures”? How can we learn if we don’t make mistakes?

There’s another funny thing I’m noticing as I attempt to re-train my old habits of fear, and that is that I love to sabotage myself. I’d much rather check Facebook and emails then continue full steam ahead through the hard steps of pulling off my next greatest dream. I’ve hit the point where I am the most challenged, the most pushed past my comfort level, questioning and doubting, “Am I doing the right thing, the right way?!” I’m in the last final push to the finish line, and that monster side of me who is so used to expecting the worst of life is saying, “Just give up, give up, Megan. It’s so much easier. Just go check your email, write a beautiful blog post (HA!) or something…it’s so much easier then taking the risk that you MIGHT FAIL.”

But, today, in my morning reading, I read something that reminded me that as long as I am conscious of my fear, I can simply look at it and say, “Oh yes, ha ha, I see you there trying to sabotage me, aren’t you CUTE?! Ok, I’m going to do this anyway now.” I try to be willing to look at my fear so I can dissect it and distinguish, is this fear here because I’m about to make a mistake, or is it here because it’s simply par for the course as I’m pushing myself to new limits, doing things a different way, taking steps out of FAITH instead of FEAR?

The words that spoke to this today were on the very last page of a book that has profoundly changed my life in terms of abundance and prosperity, Open Your Mind to Receive by Catherine Ponder.
These are the last words she leaves us with (and I capitalized them because she did, by the way. I promise I’m not screaming at you!):

I CAME INTO THIS LIFE EQUIPPED TO MEET EVERY DEMAND THE WORLD MAKES UPON ME. BUT I MUST BE WILLING TO COOPERATE WITH LIFE, SO LIFE CAN COOPERATE WITH ME.
I DECLARE EVERY SITUATION IN MY LIFE A SUCCESS. I HAVE NEVER FAILED IN ANY EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE I LEARNED FROM IT.
ALWAYS THERE IS ROOM FOR AGREEMENT, I GRANT ITS PRESENCE BY AGREEING WITH THE GOOD. THEN I WITHDRAW IN PEACE.

That line, that every situation in my life is a success? Wow, does that speak to a girl who has lost just about everything the last few years! It would be so easy to consider myself a failure for the effects the recession has had on our family, for the attempts at new dreams that have started then stopped or changed, for the feeling I often have of trying to dig my way out of a deep hole with a teaspoon.

But, I try not to be end-oriented, outcome-focused, or goal-attached. I can see now, that every piece of all these experiences have been successes for what I’ve learned from them.

I choose to apply that moving forward. I choose to make the risk of failure an acceptable risk because…even failure can be successful.

I choose to live in JOY daily. The simplest way to live in joy daily? Give JOY to yourself, and others. Sharing my lessons here with you, brings me joy, and maybe brings you a little joy, too. Sounds like a whole lotta joy goin’ around here, folks, doesn’t it?

Take a cue from what I’m trying to do. Take risks. Follow your dreams, even if the road paved to them is out of view right now. Stepping stones will appear before you on the path as soon as you start in that direction. Find one small thing you can do that takes you towards the greatest vision you have for yourself, and do it. Even if it scares you. Then, watch what happens. And if it scares you every day, doggedly pursuing those dreams, scary baby step by scary baby step…great! That means, you’re probably doing something right!

SO, what have you done that scares the bleep outta ya lately????!!!!! =) I dare you respond with something absolutely wonderfully TERRIFYING!