Have You Lost a Loved One?

Who broke your heart when they left this Earth? 

Was it a parent, a grandparent? A sister, a friend? Was it a a child who began to grow inside of you, a child you held on this earth, a child you loved and lost? 

Was it more than one person – was it many who left all at once? 

Does your heart still hurt when you think of them? Do tears catch you unawares, months, weeks, even years later? 

Have you moved on with your life, yet still, you feel the empty space within that they left, nagging at you – always there – no matter where you go? 

 

Announcing the “Have You Lost A Loved One?” Page

This is a space for you to honor those you have loved and lost. This is your garden, to give acknowledgement to the blooms that rose in your heart, then returned to the Earth.

Please, share your story, in as many words as you like, and use this space to acknowledge and honor all the things you loved about the ones you lost, all the hopes you had for the future that have vanished with their parting, all the sorrow you still feel within as you wake each day to live life without them.

I will be here, reading each one, and doing my best to respond as quickly as possible to each one.

To learn more, share your story, and to honor your loved ones, head over here now. 

Blessings,
Megan

Cancer SUCKS, But…

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Cancer sucks. In fact, if I were honest, and willing to be profane, I would give Cancer a solid tongue lashing right now. I would fling multiple curse words at it because it has burned its hot branding into the lives of my loved ones far too much in the last three years.

In 2008, Cancer began an endless stretch of its slimy paws so close, so encroaching, and so frequently into my life, it felt like it’s sole purpose was to greedily rape my soul and break my heart a million times over. As of just a few weeks ago, Cancer has touched, and killed, six close loved ones in three short years. All but one of them were under the age of 52.

But (yes, there’s a “but!”), with time, I was able to take Cancer’s “Pandora’s box” of pain-infested manure and work it compost for my life’s flower garden. For me, this practice brings purpose to pain.

At the time that my fifty-year-old Aunt (my Dad’s younger sister) was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in ’08, we were not very close. She had been a solid, staple figure in my life, but I had always ached to truly know her at a soul level.

Even in the midst of her chemotherapy treatments, biopsies, and a brutal battle for survival, my fears of the unknown – of death and despair, and the discomfort of trying to get to know her better – kept me from making time to get to know her. I am ashamed to say, I didn’t visit her once that entire year.

But, in early 2009, after a short remission period, the Cancer returned with a vengeance and finally kicked me square in the rear, hard enough to knock the fear right out of me.

Suddenly, I was overbearingly reminded of the all-too-familiar taste of regret – a feeling I had known too well after my two-year-old nephew died. I hadn’t seen him for two months before his sudden death – a regret I would live with for eternity.

What Would I Regret More? 

I was scared to see my Aunt suffering, but the question of regret tormented me daily. I wondered, would I be sitting at her funeral thinking, “I wish I had known her better,” or would I be weeping in the back corner because I had, well, finally found a way to know her?

My Aunt Debbie holding my daughter

I didn’t have much money, and I had a two-year-old in tow, but I threw out all my excuses, and finally went to see her several times before her death. The gas money to drive two hours to see her just magically appeared, and bringing my daughter with, which I thought would certainly be a terrible idea, actually created the best memories I have with her.

We only had three months together, but that was what her Cancer gave us…time. Death can come in so many sudden, inexplicable, horrific forms that leave us filled with questions and regret. But, Cancer almost always gives us at least a little time with our loved ones.

When she did pass in March, I made another choice to push past my fears, and go be with her, and her family, in her final hours. I whispered in her ear, “It’s ok, you can go be at peace now,” and when I finished the sentence with, “We will miss you,” it had a new meaning it wouldn’t have had a few months before.

After she died, I spent a week putting together a photo slideshow of her life for the Memorial Service – it was my small way of trying to honor her.

I grieved her deeply, and tortured myself slowly through the placing of the photos of her life.

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But, as I sat in the back of the Church, making sure the slideshow went off without a hitch, a pipe burst in my hardened heart. I wept profuse puddles of tears for what I had lost. I had found a way to know her – my only regret, was waiting ‘til the last minute to try.

I HATE Cancer, But…

I hate Cancer. I loathe it, despise it, curse it, bemoan it. But, it has swept me to the death beds of five souls to make last-ditch memories, swear my unending love, unleash my tears, and relish in final shreds of joy with each one.

I can’t really say Cancer has been a gift in my life, because, well, this is Cancer we’re talking about. But, I can say, with a great deal of inner work, I was able to transform my hate in Cancer’s aftermath. For those of us left behind, that’s about the best we can do, I think.

“Sorrow, fear, and depression are all a kind of garbage…You can practice in order to turn these bits of garbage into flowers. It is not only your love that is organic; your hate is, too. So you should not throw anything out. All you have to do is learn how to transform your garbage into flowers.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh, “You Are Here”

Express Your Self ~ Living Life Out of Your Inner Joy

Do you plan your next adventure seeking to gain JOY from the experience, or do you adventure as an expression of the JOY you already possess within?

I consistently need to remind myself to live my life as an expression of Who I Am, instead of meeting each day like a hungry sponge, needing to be filled, so I can be Who I Am.

When I make plans for my weekend, whimsically summoning visions of peace-filled journeys and forays into nature, it’s easy to seek happiness and joy in my imaginings – to come at those experiences desiring some sort of inner fulfillment to eclipse itself within that planned activity.

When I find myself in this space of seeking fulfillment, joy, happiness, or peace to make me feel better/whole/happy; to fix me, heal me, spark me or content me, I know it’s time to take a break and turn within.

My favorite poem in the entire world bears these simple words that spiral round and round my heart now.

Whole, I enter the Whole.

There is nothing the world can give me that I do not already possess.

I know that sounds like a shocking statement in some ways. We are taught to believe that we came to this Earth to take from it, instead of give to it. We are taught to believe that we need to go out and get whatever it is we want in life.

Certainly, there is much to be said for working hard, and creating outward displays of “success.” But, that “success” means little without inner peace and joy. Our unhappy celebrities we pin high on precarious pedestals are perfect examples of this.

Before you begin your next adventure – grand or small – be it, cleaning the house or scaling a large mountain, take 5 minutes to go within & find your inner joy. Then, see what happens!

If I am seeking to gain joy from the scent of a hike in the red rocks of Sedona, or an afternoon soaking my bum in the healing waters of Oak Creek, I am making myself a broken, swiss-cheese holey sponge, seeking to be filled up or filled in with fleeting moments of happiness.

True joy comes from within.

Five minutes of quiet solitude and meditation remind me that I am already whole. Simply breathing in and out, leaving the chatter of my mind aside for a few moments, and deeply inhaling the energy of life, I am reminded of my true nature. I am a whole being, a divine soul…a divine soul, having a human experience.

Now, my weekend plans become expressions of who I already know I am – a peace-filled, content, joyful, radiant being. The experience of joy continues throughout whatever experiences I am having, instead of passing me by like a leaf on a breeze.

Whole, I enter the Whole.

I might say it to you every day from here on out, because it is the simplest path to radiating, overwhelming, pleasurable peace and joy in your life:

Take five minutes. Five minutes. Or ten or twenty if you can…and simply get quiet, go within, and remember who you really are.

Then, tell me what you plan to do with your weekend, with your today, your tomorrow…to express your Self!

Practicing this simple awareness of your Self, your soul, your inner wellspring of joy and contentment, daily, will make washing dishes, changing diapers, maneuvering traffic…joyful expressions of who you already are. It will give magic to the mundane.

Then, you don’t have to om-ing on a red rock to feel peace-filled and joyful. You can be anywhere, doing anything, and feel as blissful as a cold-blooded lizard sunning on a warm red rock.

Happy Trails!

Are You Expanding or Contracting?

Are you pushing yourself outside your comfort zones? Are you expanding your heart and your spirit further into bettering yourself and others? Are you living in fear of failure, or pushing through the fear to see what’s on the other side? Are you willing to make mistakes, or do you stop yourself before you even try? 

This is almost a love letter to myself right now, because I need to hear this advice, so I’m going to give it you, in hopes perhaps my own psyche will absorb it by osmosis along the way!

It seems my natural instinct is to contract, although this instinct has only become more inherent in me since all these gobs of loss began in my life three years ago. I’ve been a bit like a turtle recoiling in my shell, believing that  things would be better in my safe zone within.

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Time spent turning within has certainly been necessary, vital, and thoroughly beneficial for the health of my soul, and I do believe that in order to change the world, we have to start with ourselves. But, there is also something to be said for turning without, for following the course of our instincts as they lead us to expand our lives, our futures, our dreams, our hopes, our simplest ideas of day to day “extraordinary ordinary.”

Expanding can be scary, because we may be called to expand in new directions that are unknown, thus uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. But, what is life if we are simply a stagnant pond? What is life if we sit still, if we never move forward, into new unknowns?

I’ve been willing to move to new homes, start new lives again and again, rebirth myself through endless loss experiences. But, I’ve been terrified – blisteringly TERRIFIED – to expand fully into myself: to stand up and say, “This is why I’m here, I have something to share, I hope you can take something from me.”

I DID SOMETHING BRAVE AND SCARY

See, a few months back, right before I found out that I was pregnant, I did something big, brave, and scary. I thought about telling you about it…but, of course, I was afraid of failing in front of you (haha, there’s that old ego popping in again, petrified of being diminished in any way, large or small. Pesky bugger!).

I started to plan a workshop/seminar teaching a simple, intuitive process to finding peace in pain, that I’ve uncovered through all these experiences of loss and grief. I’ve honed this process as I’ve gone through all these losses, adding to it with each one. By the fifth devastating loss I had, I had fallen into a rhythm with this process which profoundly empowered me through all my subsequent struggles.I took a HUGE LEAP, and submitted a proposal for a Grief Conference, which pushed me so far outside my comfort zones I scared myself every day I was working on it. It was great! Exhilarating! Terrifying – in a good way!

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I pushed past all my fears that normally would’ve stopped me so many times along the way, and I did something amazing.

Then, I went back in my shell to hide.

WHY STOP THERE?!

I thought, “Who am I? Who am I to say I have something to teach anyone else? What will they think of me if I get up there and share my truths? I don’t have any letters after my name! I don’t know anything about the psychology of grief! I’m just a regular ole’ Joe who thinks she figured a thing or two out along the way!”

So, that’s where I’ve been sitting for the last few months. As I’ve simultaneously hibernated through the first tormenting trimester of pregnancy, I’ve also been sitting in contraction.

I’m not afraid of more pain, more hurt, more loss, more moves, more deaths, etc. I’m afraid that I might not do right with the gifts I’ve been given. I’m afraid I don’t have the worldly qualifications to stand up and say, “Here, here is my gift to you…take it, use it.”

But, isn’t that kind of dumb?! 

Last night, after a wonderful day in nature floating down the creek, soaking up sun and serenity, I was driving home thinking about all this…about how I had started to step out on a leap of faith and how death-defying that had felt, and how I had just stopped, and frozen, right on that cusp of something amazing.

Driving along, it hit me like a brick through the windshield. What was it all for – 13 deaths, four difficult moves, a miscarriage, financial struggles, and years of meditating, writing, reading, and soul-searching, digging for gems in piles of sewer spoilage – what was it all for, if I don’t do something GOOD with it?

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TIME TO CHOOSE TO EXPAND

This little method I’ve come up with is something that could bring great healing to many people – it is simple, profound, and a path to peace that empowers us to feed and heal our own souls without needing others to do it for us. It could help heal your pain from a loss of any sort, it could help you just figure out why you fought with your spouse yesterday, or why you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It could help you make peace with a relative you haven’t spoken to in decades, it could help you find meaning and gifts in grief like I have.

But, only if I have the courage to share it…in person, in a room full of your bright, shining souls…willing to watch me fail, or succeed.

That conference wasn’t right for me, and I knew that from the beginning. But, I submitted the proposal because I knew I needed to develop the workshops and start offering them here, in my own backyard, on a smaller scale, where I can simply share my story with you, and hope you can take something from it.

So, I’m writing this, because it forces me to start expanding again. It holds me accountable to you, the beautiful souls who’ve come here to witness my journey and find something for yourself here. I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to keep expanding, but I’m going to try.

I’m so honored by you, by your presence here, and I’m terrified that I somehow won’t give you enough. I’m terrified of standing up in a room and telling you I have something to teach you.

But, I think I have to do it anyway.

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Are you expanding or contracting? What are you most afraid of taking a risk on when it comes to your dreams? Is there ONE small step you could take to start pushing through your fears to find out what’s on the other side? Let me know what you find when you get there…