Lean In, Baby, Just Lean In

I used to believe that bad things happening to me meant I was a bad person somehow. The truth is, the reason so much “bad” stuff has happened around me is simply because I love so many people so deeply and because, well, that’s life.

I used to be afraid to tell you more bad stuff was happening in my life because I don’t want pity, and because I thought for sure I was doing something to “deserve” all this bad stuff. On some level, I think I believed I had not become enlightened/empowered/aura-fied/chakra-fied/fully present/fearless/brave/spiritual/positive thinking enough to transcend suffering.

I wanted so badly in my journeys these last 4 years to find a way to transcend suffering. I really thought if I read enough books, meditated well enough, shared some insight with others who were suffering and maybe wrote a book, gave a speech, that would also help you transcend suffering… then everything would be better.

But, that’s not true. There is no such thing as transcending suffering. In fact, the very revolt against it only solidifies and intensifies its grip of angst on your soul.

I have not done anything to deserve 20 deaths in 4 years, moving 5 times, watching my daughter grieve her best friend, suffering through illness after illness after illness, pay cut after pay cut, job loss after job loss.

I have not done anything wrong. This stuff didn’t happen because I didn’t think positively enough. It didn’t happen because I’ve been living in fear. It didn’t happen because I’m not doing enough to attract all kinds of great things to myself, or because I didn’t practice The Secret or The Laws of Abundance or The Laws of Attraction or The Power of Now well enough to create A New Earth. It didn’t happen because I was unable to Return to Me or find The Gifts of Imperfection or create my own Translucent Revolutions after fully practicing The Four Agreements through a good Conversation With God. (Don’t get me wrong, I have read and loved most all those titles and they all helped me, but they did not help me learn how to fend off life’s lemons – no one can teach that).

All this “bad stuff” happened because I’m human, and this is the human experience.  This is just life. This is the life of someone who loves deeply, and thus has much to lose, much to ache over, much to grieve. God, who would want a life that had nothing to miss? Nothing to lose? Nothing to be afraid of leaving behind?

Instead of trying to find a way to live without loss – turn inward, put up walls of solitude and shut out anything that might possibly cause potential pain, I have chosen to keep buckled in on this rollercoaster ride and try my best to embrace both its dips and hills.

I have found the greatest thing I can give myself is compassion. Compassion for ourselves is allowing and softening into whatever feelings arise – good or bad – instead of shunning them away because they are “bad” or “uncomfortable.”

Thich Nhat Hanh says we should cradle our suffering like a baby, so, when I am hurting and angry, I try to look at myself like I look at my 6-year-old when she is in the midst of a full blown meltdown. On the surface, there is anger, pain, tears – underneath, there is sadness, sorrow, hurt, frustration, and a little girl just dying to be heard and understood.

We each have that child within, who just wants her pain to be seen and heard.

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It would be easy for me to turn into a mean, angry, violent person. I have so much hurt and anger inside for all the shit I’ve been handed. It takes everything in me to, instead, try to let it out – breathe through it, lean into it, feel it, and go through it, not around it. I have learned that allowing myself to be in the uncomfortable space of anger, frustration, self-doubt, shame, loneliness, and sorrow, is actually the only path through suffering. Lean in, not away. Soften into it. Have compassion for myself, instead of anger at myself for not being a perfect human being who has somehow magically found a way to live a life free of suffering.

So, instead of telling you to feel better today about whatever you are going through, I am going to tell you, go ahead and feel like crap. Have a pity party for one for a minute. Cry, throw a temper tantrum, punch a freaking wall. Then, pick yourself up like a child who fell off his bike, and wipe your tears away with compassion – true, all-encompassing, non-judgmental compassion that allows you to feel whatever you are feeling now.

I’d like to think life will get “better” eventually, but it may not, so I try to embrace whatever is before me – even the pain, because I know more joy is just around the corner, and all of it is part of this crazy, mad, happy sad beautiful life. For everything I have lost, I have loved a whole lot more.**

Brave Little (Former) Grim Reaper Girl

“I realized this little egg I’ve been sitting on, that I’m dying to hatch and share with you in the form of books, talks, workshops, blogs & more is not just about grief. I’ve realized it’s actually just about life.”

Ok, so, here it goes.

I have a confession.

I have been totally terrified for the last year to be myself, completely. I am inching back into the territory of the brave, and I am asking you to bear witness.

A year ago, I stood on a precipice of magnificence. I created a Grief Workshop for a huge grief conference, putting together a complete proposal with learning objectives (had to learn how to write those!), experiential learning tools, a curriculum vitae, guest speakers, and all kinds of other fancy stuff. In a matter of weeks, I did it. From start to finish, this task pushed me far beyond my limits and past them – and when I was done, I had something, complete, and, well, GOOD.

See, one of fatal flaws is I’m great at start things, notsomuch at finishing them. But, this time, I finished something. I did! I was brave, and made phone calls and asked people to help me, and they did! They wanted to! They wanted to help ME, help others! I showed people who I considered much further advanced in my field of bravery (LOL) my true heart, my passion, my truth…and you know what they said?

“This is work that needs to be done.”

“Yes, this needs to be shared.”

“Whether you’re accepted to this conference or not, I will support you and help you in doing this work.”

You see, I have something in me, that has come out of all this craptastic schiznit the last few years…and it’s amazing, I know it. It could change my life, it could change your life, it could change the world in so many ways, great and small. It’s a sort-of system that has unfolded before me for dealing with negative emotions and life challenges, big and small. In my view, it could be a missing piece in the GREAT BIG puzzle of life in so many ways.

I never felt so alive as when I was creating this workshop, and I made so many brave choices. But, then, I got scared again, and I crawled back into my turtle shell, had a really shitty year that I let push me further into the oblivion of my own shell, and I didn’t do a damn thing with that amazing thing I did.

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So, life, as it often does, handed me some more lemons (pardon the ole’ cliche) again, and said, “Neener, neener, Megan, what are you going to do with these ones?” It’s like Maya Angelou’s famous quote, “When you know better, you do better.” It took me a little longer than I’d like to admit, but this time, I knew what to do, and soon enough, I did finally start crushing and churning those lemons. As I did, another piece – maybe the final piece of the puzzle –  emerged. I realized this little egg I’ve been sitting on, that I’m dying to hatch and share with you in the form of books, talks, workshops, blogs & more is not  just about grief. I’ve realized it’s actually just about life. Period. It applies to every single person on this Earth. It can help you find joy in tragedy, or in the mundane, it can help you embrace sorrow as equally as bliss, it can help you discover your life’s purpose, it can help you face your fears and pain, it can help you be a more joyful parent, wife, friend, lover, partner, human. It is already helped me do all these. 

And I think I’ve figured out, that if I don’t do this…I will die. Seriously, I will self-implode. I may not die today or tomorrow, or even 10 years from now, but every day that I continue to live in fear of being brave and vulnerable, of being willing to try and fail…every one of those days, a slow poison will be eating away at me inside – the poison of not expressing my magnificence.

So, I’ve decided that STEP ONE of my new post-Anita-Moorjani “living fearlessly” attitude-in-action is to create some accountability for myself, and garner your support.  So, if you would like to see me hatch this egg and start speaking on the beautiful lessons I’ve learned the last few years, to help others live more joyful, fearless lives, would you like this post or comment on it, and tell me?! I’d like to know, would you come to one of my presentations? Would you buy a short e-book that would give you specific steps and tools you can incorporate into your daily life to help you deal with life’s challenges – to help you learn how to accept yourself and your life as it is, while also opening up that connection to the Divine and expressing all your amazing magnificence?

If the answer is yes, then please share below.

Then, do me a favor, and come back in a week, and ask me what I’m doing about it, before the Universe hands me more lemons to squeeze again, will ya?!

Is Your Well Full, or Are You Running on Empty?

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Bad things happen to good people.

I think we’ve all figured that one out by now, right?!

So, bad things are going to happen to you. Or, like me, LOTS of bad things might happen to you, over and over, with rare pause between crescendos of pain, and you may wake up one day and think, “Wow, really, is this life? Isn’t there something more than this to life?”

I’ve been asking myself that question quite frequently as of late, and I think I’ve figured out a key to finding peace and joy, even in barrages of hardship.

The question is, how to see beauty around pain? Or, as one friend said the other day, how do I see rainbows in the shitstorms? (Please excuse my language if you’re reading this, Mom and Dad, but, well, the profanity was elicited given the circumstances of late!).

I once quoted a story I heard shared by author Mark Nepo on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, and I’ll share it here again.

“The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things . . . Stop being a glass. Become a lake.”

~Author Unknown

I think I’m figuring out that when bad things happen, if my “well” is full, I can be more able to see the beauty around the pain, and “enlarge my sense of things.”

Are you filling your well by spending time opening up a connection to the Universe?

Your “well” is your spiritual energy input. It is the time you MAKE for yourself to be alone, to be in nature, to be creative, to write or paint, draw or bike, read or cook – whatever it is that refills your well. It is your coffee can on a string to the divine. It’s always there, but if you don’t pick it up and open a connection to allow creativity and beauty to flow into, out and through you, you will feel stifled in your life. You will feel unfulfilled. You will feel stuck. And when bad things happen, you will feel that bitter taste of being a glass, not a lake.

So, just as we must perform daily maintenance around our homes, for our bodies, etc., we must maintain our spiritual vessel daily as well. Every day you feed the dog, your kids, your spouse, but do you feed your soul – your spiritual well?!

We have to keep filling the well, so when a shitstorm comes to try and drain it, we have spiritual energy reserves. We have to have enough beauty in our lives coming in and out through self-expression, creativity, books, music, meditation, friendship and connection, and anything else that helps us feel we are touching the divine, that we can still see that beauty around the pain when it comes.

As Mothers, parents, spouses, employees, we are often sending all our energy out, out, out, out, out, and never taking time to bring energy in for ourselves. So, we’re too busy or broke to take a vacation or spend time in nature? Don’t worry, you’ll have a vacation soon enough when you get an illness and have to stay at home for a week. It’s your body’s way of saying, “NEED ENERGY INPUT!!!!”

I’m home sick right now, because I have not been filling my well, and through a lot more “bad stuff” this last couple weeks, I’ll admit, I could not see ANY rainbows in the shitstorms because I was running completely on empty.

I’m working on filling my well, right now, by writing, to you, because this is my coffee can on a string to the divine. What’s yours?

The next time you’re washing the dishes, fueling the car, packing lunches for the kids, or doing some other sort of daily maintenance on your home or life, remember your well, and please, make sure you’re taking time to fill it every day, too. You don’t even have to leave your house to open up a connection to the divine. Plan a vacation, read a book, call a friend, paint a beautiful picture, jam through a workout, climb a mountain, or just do something, to remind yourself, this is a beautiful lake…er…world, we live in, no matter what happens.

“To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly…”

~Eckhart Tolle

I Think Anita Moorjani Just Changed My Life

I am so excited and blessed to be preparing to attend a live event with renowned NDE (Near Death Experience)r, Anita Moorjani this upcoming weekend. A friend of mine encouraged me to read her book before the event, but since I don’t have it yet, I went to her website, and to Amazon’s preview and read about her NDE today. I think it just changed my life completely, totally, irrevocably. In a way I can’t describe, I feel lighter, brighter, greater, and more fearless, in an instant. 

Anita Moorjani literally died and came back from the afterlife and was instantly cured of the cancer that had ravaged her body for four long years. Doctors could not explain what had happened when every test result came back showing absolutely no signs of cancer just hours after they had witnessed her organs shutting down completely. 

While she was in a coma, tiptoeing the line of life and death, she experienced an intense sense of freedom and clarity, love and joy that she could hardly put into words. She describes the experience as best she can in her book, Dying to Be Me. 

I read the last two pages of it in the Amazon preview and this part specifically ignited my soul today: 

“Finally, I cannot stress enough how important it is to enjoy yourself and not take yourself or life too seriously.” 

She goes on to say, “Although you know I abhor creating doctrines, if I ever had to create a set of tenets for a spiritual path to healing, number one on my list would be to make sure to laugh as often as possible throughout every single day – and preferably laugh at myself. This would be hands down over and above any form of prayer, meditation, chanting or diet reform. Day to day problems never seem as big when viewed through a veil of humor and love.” 

Wow. 

I have been taking life WAY too seriously! 

It’s hard to accept responsibility for this, but I think that my limited beliefs of myself, judgements of myself, etc. have been creating my little limited reality. 

Reading Anita’s words, I suddenly feel so much lighter, like I can take everything less seriously, and just look at life through eyes of joy and humor and have fun. Her entire message is that we are here in this life to HAVE FUN, enjoy life! Why do we waste so much time judging ourselves? 

“Boy, if I’d only known that we were supposed to come here and feel good about ourselves and about life – express ourselves and have fun with it!” she says. 

My life has felt so lead-blanket-on-the-heart sort of heavy the last few years, I have really forgotten in so many ways how to just have fun and enjoy life. 

But, I believe that my perception can shift this entirely. 

It’s so hard to explain, but I feel like I just woke up and decided to make a choice to enjoy life. I don’t need to sit here and ponder on yesterday or tomorrow anymore. I don’t need to search my soul for answers, or dig deeper into my heart for healing. I just need to be…happy. 

Thank you for this http://www.verybestquotes.com

My heart resonated when I read, “Life is not supposed to be a struggle.” For me, life has been such a struggle the last few years through so much death (at last count, 20 people in 4 years have passed on), financial struggles, life circumstances and hardships. The last few days, I’ve honestly been so unhappy and dripping quite a few tear stains on my sleeves, wondering how and why did I get here? Why are we still struggling so much? When will it get better? 

I have felt like I was sitting on a precipice…a choice to remain still and stuck where I am, or move forward into realization of my magnificence as Anita calls it. I have felt that going to her event this weekend would change everything for me, and I had no idea how.  

I thought that going to an event about a near-DEATH experience would further boost my ideas/understanding about death and dying, after four years that have been, for me, largely hallmarked by life-altering experiences of grief. I was hoping that maybe in attending and being around like-minded souls, I would be opened up to possibilities – the possibilities to express my own truths around these experiences I’ve had. 

But, already, I’m realizing, I was not brought to Anita’s reflections to bolster my ideas about death. I was brought to them to recharge my ideas about life and living. 

I have been sitting on a precipice of wanting to step into my magnificence, but I’ve been so scared, so afraid of standing up and speaking my truth. So many what if’s. What if they hate me? What will others think of me? What if I say or do the “wrong” thing? What if I don’t know what to say or how to do it? What if I’m not educated enough, smart enough, old enough…enough, enough, enough?!

ENOUGH! 

Anita’s entire message from beyond is based on this: we are always, already enough. We are never less than anyone or anything. We already are all we need to be. 

Just think how much suffering we’d be spared if we weren’t always trying to be more than we already are. How much suffering could you spare yourself if you loved your body, your relationship, your life, your finances, your children, yourself…just as they are now? If you weren’t always striving for things to be a better way?

I realize now that even my choices to eat healthy were coming from a desire to be better than, that stemmed from fear of disease or illness. 

My self-loathing of this beautiful body that just birthed a baby and is taking it’s sweet time to get back to normal has caused me suffering, and thus, at times, my desire to make it better, were not FUN! Why not just work out and be healthy for the fun and joy of it? 

Ah, a morning full of ah-ha’s! Just what I needed – a good slap of sunshine in the face!

I hope you will go read about Anita’s near-death experience and feel a boost of sunshine in your day, too. 

As for me, I’m not sure what’s next…I would really like to believe that I was brought here for something great, and through all the death and struggle, I wanted/needed to believe it was not all for naught, that someday I’d make something of it, share it with the world, and then it would mean something because it helped someone. 

But now I see, that maybe striving for excellence, was simply my way of trying to create happiness “somewhere out there”, when instead, I could just choose to be happiness here and now. 

Right now, I am the Mother of three beautiful children, and the wife of a man who stuns and slays me daily. I am dead-freaking-tired, my house often looks like it’s just been robbed even though I feel like I spend all day every day cleaning it, I’ve begun to feel that make-up is pointless, and I’ve recently fallen in love with organic convenience meals. I’d love to write a book, host a workshop, plant a garden, win the lottery, or start a foundation. 

I could, and might, one day do any or all of those things. Right now, I choose to be happy, regardless. 

I’m going to hit “Publish Post” on this, go grab my two little boys (my daughter’s at school) and kiss them, have fun with them, have fun with myself, and create as many opportunities as possible to laugh at myself today. 

I know the “tough stuff” is still there, but like Anita said, it all looks a little less buggy and scary, hard and undertaking, through the lens of laughter and light. 

Perhaps my kids came to remind me of that…as much work as they are, one little smile or giggle from them makes everything beautiful in an instant, no matter how tired or sad or scared or lonely or angry I am. I am so thankful for that daily reminder. 

Might I also add, that if you are in pain right now, like I was yesterday when I was feeling so frustrated with our constant struggle of late…you often cannot just flip a switch to choose to be happy without acknowledging, comforting, and expressing your pain first. I spent the day doing that yesterday, and I think that’s the only reason why I was able to receive Anita’s message today. So, if you are reading this, in a space of feeling negative emotions, hurt, or pain, I encourage you to read these posts before moving on to reading Anita’s. 

Accepting the Unacceptable – The Path to Peace in Pain

And Part II to that post is here. 

Blessings to you all, my friends. It’s good to be back (in so many ways)! Stay tuned, I will try to post about the event with Anita this weekend! 

~Megan 

Stand Up and Grieve Outloud ~ In Honor of Christopher Lane

I can hardly write, I feel so numb.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Christopher all week…since I heard the news that he passed away in his sleep Saturday night. He was 40, a devoted young father to two boys the same ages as my own children. He was not ill, he biked to work every day, ate an organic diet, worked in a health food store, lived a life of service to others, inspiring thousands along the way, and yet still, he went to sleep one night and just didn’t wake up.

I’ve said it before, and sorry to sound like a broken record, if I do, but…no matter how many times I go through this grief process, I still feel sucker-punched in the gut by it each time.

Christopher was a dear friend, who I had the honor of working closely with this last year, promoting his youth and Alzheimer’s poetry projects. But, I didn’t even know his favorite color or band, how old he was exactly, or where he grew up. I’d known him for 12 years, shared dreams of writing and becoming over coffee a million times, but I guess our friendship was puckered up perfectly inside a nice little “writing/service related” box, and never in all that time did we once pass the time with a cup of the 5 W’s – who, what, where, when and why’s of ourselves.

I knew his wife, but we never hung out together. I knew his kids, but they don’t know me.

I knew Christopher. I knew him when I was 19 and had just moved here, and had no friends. He was one of the first friends I made. He ignited ambition, vigor, and fire in me from the instant I met him. I knew him and admired him when he was working at the same restaurant I worked at on the morning shift, and I on the dinner shift, and occassionally we’d pass in the halls and share dreams and ideas again. He’d just published his book, and I thought, “Oh, if I only I could be like that one day…” (I’m still working on that one, Chris.)

I knew him this last year, since we reconnected and became the truest of friends we’d been all along. I volunteered to help him promote his poetry programs because his passion for all people, including me, was so infectious. He saw it an opportunity for both of us, and wanted to support furthering my writing career vicariously as we promoted his programs. The gift was all mine. Witnessing his selfless spirit, inspiring and connecting with young teens, and AD patients that most of society has already dismissed as half-dead…it was the most amazing, inspiring thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life.

I don’t understand why I’m so sad over his death. It’s not like we hung out all the time, like I’ll miss his daily presence in my life. It’s more that I just feel an ache that I’ll never see him again, that I can’t understand why he’s gone, that it doesn’t make sense, that this has robbed a mother of her husband, two children of a father, a community of a legend.

I have felt haunted by his memory all week. The first night, I dreamt that he found me and told me he was still alive, he’d faked his death and just moved to Ft. Collins after all. I guess that was my subconscious playing out my unwillingness to accept this tragedy.

On top of all that, yes, this is death number what, 14 or 15 in 3 years for me? And it is really, really getting old. I’ve peaced and pieced, and meditated and prayed, belief-ed and believed my way through these few years with violent devotion, diving head first into the pain to scrounge up some jewels within. I’ve embraced the pain, the feeling of being a Grim Reaper Girl, with death following me eveywhere I go. I’ve come to peace with death and my own immortality, in a way most people will not ever accomplish in their lives. I’ve faced every angle of death and grieving, I’ve found peace in the knowing that life goes on after death. I’ve turned my tears into teaching.

Yet, still, another death comes, and I am a paddle-less boat in an thrashing ocean. I have the wisdom now to know Christopher’s spirit could not be killed, and I have the openness now to feel him around me so I don’t have to feel the painful isolation of separateness from him. I have the tools to help me grieve through a seven step process I’ve developed myself and am trying to work up the courage to start sharing/teaching to others. I have a husband who has learned through 14 deaths how to hold me and touch me when I’m sad. I have a community who is sensitive and aware of the ridiculous heaps of pain I’ve had lumped on me the last few years.

Yet, still, I sit here feeling helpless, hopeless, devastated, alone, and aching.

Awhile back, at death, what, number 11, a friend shared with me a list of things all dead people want the living to know and #10 on that list was, “We were ready to go.”

I can’t understand how Christopher would have been ready. He had so much more to do. He had children to raise. No matter how beautiful the afterlife is, how much he had fulfilled some amazing purpose on this Earth, how did it serve this Earth or anyone, any greater, higher purpose, for him to leave two little boys, a wife, and an aching community behind at the prime of his life?

I see myself, looking in, and I know these are those all too familiar steps of grief…I’ve been in denial, I’m walking through anger, I’ve definitely felt guilt, and shock. I’ve had good days and bad. Days I thought, Ok I can move on now. Days I just want to sit around and dwell on this all day long.

The best I can do is allow myself to feel it all.

Maybe I didn’t know his favorite color, but I knew what burned in his heart so brightly that he had to share it with the world, with people no one else had the time to care about. I knew what it was to be inspired by him, to be considered his friend, to be a partner in his work of service to others. I knew him as a Dad, a poet, a friend, a mentor, a writer, an author, a waiter, a coffeehouse mate, a husband, a father, and so much more. And yes, I am grieving him, because just a couple weeks ago he told me to keep this big Bible of a Writer’s Market book he lent me to make sure I kept moving forward after my dreams, and for believing in me, I will never be able to stop feeling grateful for him.

One of Christopher’s students, now an extremely accomplished poet and teacher, thanks to Christopher’s ignition in his life, Myrlin Hepworth, wrote a gut-blowing tribute to Christopher and shared it on Facebook tonight. A few of his words singed my spirit and stuck to my heart like bugs to a fly trap.

But, most of all, these words rang true…as they are stretched straight from the guts of my own grief right now. As this former/supposed/thrust-upon “Grim Reaper Girl,” I’m so afraid to say how I feel anymore, so sure you’re certainly weary of the broken death-record of my life…but this is the truth.

Part of me wants to hide and mourn Chris quietly and selfishly, to deny, to fear, to be angry, to thrash at the world with my own agony. But I know those of us who knew Chris are all suffering the grief brought on by this loss and that we must struggle together, stand and smile, tears spilling from our eyes if they may, remembering our friend, celebrating our friend, allowing the world to say farewell to our friend as we step forward as we must to go forth and honor his legacy.

So, I’m standing with Myrlin, and many more, to say in plain sight, my whole body aches with grief, because even with all these losses I’ve had of every sort, shape and size, this is the first Christopher Lane I’ve ever lost. Christopher was to so many a man who swept in, ignited a spark in you, then sat by gently stoking the flame ’til it blazed into a fire. He built a safety net beneath you, then told you start climbing – higher, higher. He didn’t tell you, “Go get a dream.” He mirrored back the one he could see in your eyes, then fed and clothed that baby like his own precious child. He saw my dreams, and gave me new ones I didn’t know I had. He was a gift to this Earth, like a rare just-discovered endangered species we never knew we had. I ache for his family, his children, his community, the many “kids” he parented, and myself.

I will miss his light in my life.

Thank you for letting me share him with you.

Are You Expanding or Contracting?

Are you pushing yourself outside your comfort zones? Are you expanding your heart and your spirit further into bettering yourself and others? Are you living in fear of failure, or pushing through the fear to see what’s on the other side? Are you willing to make mistakes, or do you stop yourself before you even try? 

This is almost a love letter to myself right now, because I need to hear this advice, so I’m going to give it you, in hopes perhaps my own psyche will absorb it by osmosis along the way!

It seems my natural instinct is to contract, although this instinct has only become more inherent in me since all these gobs of loss began in my life three years ago. I’ve been a bit like a turtle recoiling in my shell, believing that  things would be better in my safe zone within.

c-louise/stock.xchng

Time spent turning within has certainly been necessary, vital, and thoroughly beneficial for the health of my soul, and I do believe that in order to change the world, we have to start with ourselves. But, there is also something to be said for turning without, for following the course of our instincts as they lead us to expand our lives, our futures, our dreams, our hopes, our simplest ideas of day to day “extraordinary ordinary.”

Expanding can be scary, because we may be called to expand in new directions that are unknown, thus uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. But, what is life if we are simply a stagnant pond? What is life if we sit still, if we never move forward, into new unknowns?

I’ve been willing to move to new homes, start new lives again and again, rebirth myself through endless loss experiences. But, I’ve been terrified – blisteringly TERRIFIED – to expand fully into myself: to stand up and say, “This is why I’m here, I have something to share, I hope you can take something from me.”

I DID SOMETHING BRAVE AND SCARY

See, a few months back, right before I found out that I was pregnant, I did something big, brave, and scary. I thought about telling you about it…but, of course, I was afraid of failing in front of you (haha, there’s that old ego popping in again, petrified of being diminished in any way, large or small. Pesky bugger!).

I started to plan a workshop/seminar teaching a simple, intuitive process to finding peace in pain, that I’ve uncovered through all these experiences of loss and grief. I’ve honed this process as I’ve gone through all these losses, adding to it with each one. By the fifth devastating loss I had, I had fallen into a rhythm with this process which profoundly empowered me through all my subsequent struggles.I took a HUGE LEAP, and submitted a proposal for a Grief Conference, which pushed me so far outside my comfort zones I scared myself every day I was working on it. It was great! Exhilarating! Terrifying – in a good way!

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I pushed past all my fears that normally would’ve stopped me so many times along the way, and I did something amazing.

Then, I went back in my shell to hide.

WHY STOP THERE?!

I thought, “Who am I? Who am I to say I have something to teach anyone else? What will they think of me if I get up there and share my truths? I don’t have any letters after my name! I don’t know anything about the psychology of grief! I’m just a regular ole’ Joe who thinks she figured a thing or two out along the way!”

So, that’s where I’ve been sitting for the last few months. As I’ve simultaneously hibernated through the first tormenting trimester of pregnancy, I’ve also been sitting in contraction.

I’m not afraid of more pain, more hurt, more loss, more moves, more deaths, etc. I’m afraid that I might not do right with the gifts I’ve been given. I’m afraid I don’t have the worldly qualifications to stand up and say, “Here, here is my gift to you…take it, use it.”

But, isn’t that kind of dumb?! 

Last night, after a wonderful day in nature floating down the creek, soaking up sun and serenity, I was driving home thinking about all this…about how I had started to step out on a leap of faith and how death-defying that had felt, and how I had just stopped, and frozen, right on that cusp of something amazing.

Driving along, it hit me like a brick through the windshield. What was it all for – 13 deaths, four difficult moves, a miscarriage, financial struggles, and years of meditating, writing, reading, and soul-searching, digging for gems in piles of sewer spoilage – what was it all for, if I don’t do something GOOD with it?

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TIME TO CHOOSE TO EXPAND

This little method I’ve come up with is something that could bring great healing to many people – it is simple, profound, and a path to peace that empowers us to feed and heal our own souls without needing others to do it for us. It could help heal your pain from a loss of any sort, it could help you just figure out why you fought with your spouse yesterday, or why you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It could help you make peace with a relative you haven’t spoken to in decades, it could help you find meaning and gifts in grief like I have.

But, only if I have the courage to share it…in person, in a room full of your bright, shining souls…willing to watch me fail, or succeed.

That conference wasn’t right for me, and I knew that from the beginning. But, I submitted the proposal because I knew I needed to develop the workshops and start offering them here, in my own backyard, on a smaller scale, where I can simply share my story with you, and hope you can take something from it.

So, I’m writing this, because it forces me to start expanding again. It holds me accountable to you, the beautiful souls who’ve come here to witness my journey and find something for yourself here. I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to keep expanding, but I’m going to try.

I’m so honored by you, by your presence here, and I’m terrified that I somehow won’t give you enough. I’m terrified of standing up in a room and telling you I have something to teach you.

But, I think I have to do it anyway.

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Are you expanding or contracting? What are you most afraid of taking a risk on when it comes to your dreams? Is there ONE small step you could take to start pushing through your fears to find out what’s on the other side? Let me know what you find when you get there…

 

The Big News (Finally!)

Hello there, blogging slacker reporting in for duty!

In my last post, I told you there would be a BIG announcement coming soon.

It perfectly explains why I accidentally took a pretty long hiatus from the work I’ve been trying to do in the world here on this blog.

I was reading an article in a magazine at the doctor’s office recently and a line struck me – it spoke about all of one’s creative energy going to one project, and leaving little to give in other areas of life.

Well, all my creative energy has been going somewhere lately, that’s for sure!  And to a pretty amazing project might I add! One of the three best, most miraculous, life-changing, creative journeys of my life, in fact.

Yes, my creative energy has been creating…

Don’t Mess With My Kid!

It’s been a challenging week, to say the least.

We spent the evening in the ER with our daughter last night – suffice it to say, her ear drum ruptured and she’s been dealing with some serious on-going tummy issues we’re trying to get to the bottom of.

I find myself much more able to weather the storms these days, though, and be the eye of the hurricane, instead of the winds. Some cool, calm lady showed up at the ER last night – I don’t know where she came from, but they tell me she’s Kayta’s mother!

I think maybe I’ve had enough practice at weathering storms, now, I’ve kind of got it down. I also have much greater perspective, now, in the eyes of so much loss. I see ER visits as far less urgent than, say, fighting Cancer with your child. I don’t know how Mommas like those “Fiercely Brave” Mommas from Camp Soaring Eagle do it, but they inspire me to keep grounded despite all the possible worst case scenarios.

I also practice daily meditation – just a simple five minutes alone with myself, without the assault of incessant, continuous thoughts attacking my senses. This practice also grounds me, reminding me of my true inner nature that is connected to everyone and everything, and I think that is what helps me stay peaceful when the going gets tough.

Of course, I did take a few minutes to shake my fists at the sky last night, “Mess with me all you want to, but don’t mess with my kid!” But, then, I realized…THESE are the joys of parenting…the ones no one tells you about beforehand. When I think about all the potential broken limbs, scars, bruises, skinned knees and torn hearts ahead, this is just a drop in the bucket, I suppose!

So, we tried to make the ER fun! We brought a new Dora drawing kit and colored our favorite characters, watched our favorite movies on the mini-DVD player, and exchanged stickers and smiles. We made the best of it, as much as we could, for our little girl.

Trust? What’s That?!

Sitting in the hospital room waiting to see the Doctor, I found myself trusting that we would be provided with everything we needed – far from my typical old fear-based mentality of, “Oh no, what’s going to happen?!”

I used the “Open Your Mind to Receive” thinking and said to myself, “We are now receiving a warm, kind, sensitive Doctor and nurses who are going to go above and beyond for us in helping our daughter tonight.”

A few minutes later a warm, kind, loving, sensitive Physician’s Assistant greeted us, and did just that. At the end of the night, my kiddo drew a picture of our nurse and had me write, “I love you” to her on the dry erase board in our room before we left.

Yes, sometimes, it’s best to expect the worst when it comes to valuing the time we have with our loved ones as sacred. But sometimes, it’s best to expect blessings, too, and enjoy receiving them.

COMING UP NEXT…

I’ve been working on the first post in a series on how the RECESSION kicked my tookus and managed to give me some gifts along the way, which I have a feeling you can relate to as I know we’ve all been feeling the squeeze. So, watch for that coming soon.

I also have a big announcement I’ll be making in the next week, so stay tuned.

I’ll be back soon after I’ve squeezed 42 ear drops in my kiddo’s ear, bought her a new Barbie backpack as a reward for being such a good patient at the hospital, and squeezed on her enough to make me feel better, too!

 

How do you find peace in the middle of your hurricanes? Do you find ways to be calm in the storms of illness – yours, or others? What specific methods do you find work best for you? I’d love to hear your ideas on this one.

I Confess, I Killed the Metaphorical Tea Kettle!

It’s taken me awhile to have the courage to write this post.

I have a horrific confession.

Do you remember awhile back I talked about my lovely little tea kettle in my post “Accepting the Unacceptable – Part II”?

I had not paid enough attention to my poor tea kettle, and thus a thick residue had built up inside her, which I was unknowingly serving my family in their brown sugar oatmeal and tea.

I used the sweet tea kettle as a metaphor for our unattended pain. Her unresolved issues were affecting my family (what were we drinking?!) just like unresolved pain within us affects our lives and loved ones, whether we see it, or not.

When we don't take the time to look within, residue builds up, and seeps into our lives.

At the end of my post, I made a bold conviction to pay more attention to her, so she could return to her rightful place as the Sole Hot Water Provider in our home, and maybe even move her up to the front burner!

I had left her on the back burner – a reminder that she needed attention, yet still I didn’t feel inclined to get my hands dirty, grab the baking soda and vinegar, and go at that residue within. She just sat there, on the back burner for days, and looked on longingly as I warmed my water in the big, bad…microwave.

It was much easier to just forget about her, and just find a new way to get my hot water.

But, one day, I put a pot on the front burner to boil some frozen peas for the kiddos, and walked away…probably to this computer to check this blog.

Of course, I got lost in writing as I tend to. (Insert sheepish grin here) I don’t know how many minutes passed, but then I heard a strange sound, and smelled a strange odor. It sounded like a balloon slowly fizzing its air out, and it smelled like…something was burning!

I rushed to the stove, expecting to find charred peas glued to the bottom of yet another ruined pot (yes, I admit, this is not the first time this has happened). Instead, I found…this.

Look what happens when we put ourselves on the back burner and don't pay attention! =)

I left her on the back burner, and she got burned.

The fire within literally burned her from the inside out.

Poor, poor tea kettle.

In case you were wondering, as beat up as she was, she’d lost her ability to whistle awhile back, so that’s why I didn’t hear anything before it was too late.

Now, I don’t know what to do with her.

But, damn, I’ve learned a good lesson about putting myself on the back burner, waiting ’til later to deal with the hard stuff, and making bold claims on my blog about how much I love my tea kettle and want to take care of her!!!!

I had to come and share my story with you, with a grin and a giggle, as yet another reminder to take time EVERY SINGLE DAY to put yourself on the front burner, go within, and look at whatever is there.

In the last three years, more oft than not, what was “there” was hard for me to look at. There was anger, regret, pain upon pain, sorrow and fear. Not so pretty. But, living with those things inside of me, eating away at my life daily, slowly seeping poison into my life, was more painful, more detrimental to myself and others, then doing the hard work of sitting and looking at the hurts, and releasing them.

1) Sit still. Be quiet. Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths in, and out, slowly.

2) With your eyes closed, gently bring your pain to the surface like a bobber on a fishing line rises to the surface of the lake.

3) Sit, look at whatever arises. Ask yourself why you’re hurting/angry/scared. Then, begin to peel back the pain like the layers of an onion.

When my Grandma died last year, I could not understand why I was so upset over her death. She was almost 80, had been ill for awhile, and was ready to die.

It wasn’t until I sat with the pain and asked myself in that still, quiet time alone, “Why am I so angry about her death?” Then, waited, to listen for a response from within…that I heard the answer that granted me great peace.

“I’m so angry she’s gone! But, why?! She was old, she lived a long, full life! Why am I so affected by this death – of all the ones I’ve had – hers made the most sense so far?!”

And I continued with this inner dialogue, “Why am I not mourning her like a Grandmother? Why do I feel like I lost…a…best…friend?”

And there it was. The truth that had been hiding under all my hurt, anger, and pain. I was not mourning a Grandmother. I was mourning a best friend. Losing her had been like losing any woman in my peer group who I call up for coffee and cookies on a Tuesday morning.

4) Give yourself permission to grieve.

As soon as I realized this, I felt a huge heave-ho in my soul, and a gush of a release of the pain. I gave myself permission to grieve her like a best friend. I didn’t need anyone else to give me this permission, or to recognize this and validate it for me. I did that for myself. And, in doing so, granted myself freedom. I was able to work through the grief, consciously, and move forward, treasuring the memory of a woman who I was honored to call a friend and a Grandmother.

5) The last step was finding a new way to meet for myself and others, the needs she had met for me.

So, in her honor, despite my tendency towards hermitville after all this loss, I forced myself to work on being a good friend to others, and creating more relationships like the one I had with her. I have also worked harder at maintaining relationships with my remaining grandparents – and creating “friendships” with them, too.

I believe my Grandmother is still with me, so I gave myself one last permission – to keep talking to her like I always used to. When I get quiet, and still, I hear her replying, “Hi Boobala!” just like she always used to. So, in truth, I have not lost anything in her passing – in fact, I have gained so much.

These steps apply to ANY “negative” feeling you encounter in your life – whether it is a deep, devastating loss, or a less intricate tangle with a co-worker that leaves you riled up at work. Whenever you feel “against” something, take a moment to stop and look within, and you will find the true source of your pain which leads to healing, release, and gives rise to move forward with better understanding of yourself and others.

Now, as for that poor tea kettle of mine, I’m at a bit of a loss. I think the metaphor must end now – because frankly, I think I’m just going to have to get a new one finally! I have definitely learned, though, to look under the lid every so often though, and pay attention to what’s within (and, um, pay attention to which burner you’re turning on before you walk away, Megan!).

Oh! Excuse Me, There’s Joy Dripping Down my Face!

I threw a party for my son’s 2nd birthday last week. This is kind of a really-huge Everest-sized sort of triumph in my world.

Throwing my 2-year-old son a "Catch Me If You Can" Birthday Party might've sparked more giggles for me, then it did for him! This former Grim Reaper Girl kicked the ole' grief and threw a party - just for the joy of it!

See, my Grandma died four days before his actual birthday last month. So, that old Grim Reaper Girl in me could easily have been really peeved at the Universe for such insipid timing.

But, instead, I took a healthy heaping of grief, then decided to mix in some joy and make some lemonade out of the sugar and sour I’d been handed.

My Grandmother lived in joy, and she loved a good party. She would not have wanted me moping around, draping tears around my neck like fluffy new scarves. She would’ve wanted me making Traffic Light Rice Krispy Treats, licorice-topped cupcakes, apple and grape cars, and all the fixins’ for a delicious taco bar!

Yup, I had more fun then my son did making these delicious goodies!

I believe my decision to choose joy each day is causing more joy to come to fruition in my life. It’s really amazing to watch this principle of manifestation multiply right before me. I keep focusing on joy, and it keeps multiplying like embryonic cells.

Since I started this new joy campaign, JOY has shown up in my life in new and unexpected ways daily.

Hard times still come, as I shared in my last post “Expect the Worst.” But, I’m starting to see how joy and sorrow, life and death, can all coexist in my life. I’m learning that they can coexist, instead of taking me up on their high’s and then – bam! – crashing down on their low’s, on the most nightmarish rollercoaster ride that has been my life for three years.

Everything is a teeter-totter of balance – everything in doses and pieces to fit into a crazy-wonderful mix of the picture puzzle of my life.

I’m not condoning or condemning “good” or “bad” experiences anymore – they are all life, and life is a gift. When I am not “for” or “against” anything – it’s all a nice, easy flow. Funny how I’ve been giving up control and taking it, all at once.

I guess it’s like that old Serenity Prayer we’ve all heard.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I take responsibility for creating joy in my life. I’ve crawled out of my hermit’s hut on the hill, and started to immerse myself in the swimming waters of life again, and thus, there’s superfluous puddles of joy to dance in suddenly.

I also know, that “this too shall pass.” I let the good times roll but know they will soon roll away, too, so I dance even more in my rain puddles because I know soon they’ll evaporate back into air.

You might be thinking, “It’s easy to be happy and joyous when things are going well, for the most part, for you, Megan.” But you’re wrong – it is NOT easy to be happy right now. I could easily carry the scars of the last few years with me – hell, I could carry the scars of the last few months with me, if I wanted. I could wake up sad every day for the struggles we’ve had with this recession, brokenhearted for the three grandparents who’ve passed this last year, throwing an “It’s not fair!” temper tantrum over how many times we’ve had to move, and so on.

But, instead, I choose joy. It’s work, I must admit. It has not come naturally. Somewhere in all that mess of grief and losing, I had started to “expect the worst” in a different way. I expected that life would fling more mud at me daily. I drug myself out of bed daily, dressing myself in garbs of self-loathing, awaiting the next garbage truck to spill more debris in my life.

Now, I am re-training myself. I wake up, breathe, and ask myself, “What do I want from this day?” I tell myself, “Today’s going to be a great day!” O.K., I know it sounds kind of cheesy but hey, what’s wrong with a little cheese factor if it makes you smile?!

A “great day” doesn’t have to be perfect – a great day can be any day. Any day I’m alive is a great day, now. Bad news may come, and on some level, I expect it – I know it is always a possibility. I am no longer naive to that fact. But, I am also no longer naive to the fact that I can’t control any of that! I can only fish in my own stream, know what I mean? Storms may come, but I choose to be the more immovable eye in the center of them. Of course, I’m human, so I’m going to feel joy and sorrow, but now I see, that peace is always possible. Taking a moment each day to feel the space around everything – that inner space that is always there, no matter what’s happening – gives me peace that I can carry through anything.

Nowadays, I’m looking for ways to spark giggles, ignite giddiness, invite bliss, and relish joy. So, I threw a party, which is something I hadn’t done in a long while – and I did it, just for the joy of it!

What could you do just for the joy of it today? I think the more outrageous it sounds, the better off you’ll be. Go big or go home. Make it a “great” day!