Lean In, Baby, Just Lean In

I used to believe that bad things happening to me meant I was a bad person somehow. The truth is, the reason so much “bad” stuff has happened around me is simply because I love so many people so deeply and because, well, that’s life.

I used to be afraid to tell you more bad stuff was happening in my life because I don’t want pity, and because I thought for sure I was doing something to “deserve” all this bad stuff. On some level, I think I believed I had not become enlightened/empowered/aura-fied/chakra-fied/fully present/fearless/brave/spiritual/positive thinking enough to transcend suffering.

I wanted so badly in my journeys these last 4 years to find a way to transcend suffering. I really thought if I read enough books, meditated well enough, shared some insight with others who were suffering and maybe wrote a book, gave a speech, that would also help you transcend suffering… then everything would be better.

But, that’s not true. There is no such thing as transcending suffering. In fact, the very revolt against it only solidifies and intensifies its grip of angst on your soul.

I have not done anything to deserve 20 deaths in 4 years, moving 5 times, watching my daughter grieve her best friend, suffering through illness after illness after illness, pay cut after pay cut, job loss after job loss.

I have not done anything wrong. This stuff didn’t happen because I didn’t think positively enough. It didn’t happen because I’ve been living in fear. It didn’t happen because I’m not doing enough to attract all kinds of great things to myself, or because I didn’t practice The Secret or The Laws of Abundance or The Laws of Attraction or The Power of Now well enough to create A New Earth. It didn’t happen because I was unable to Return to Me or find The Gifts of Imperfection or create my own Translucent Revolutions after fully practicing The Four Agreements through a good Conversation With God. (Don’t get me wrong, I have read and loved most all those titles and they all helped me, but they did not help me learn how to fend off life’s lemons – no one can teach that).

All this “bad stuff” happened because I’m human, and this is the human experience.  This is just life. This is the life of someone who loves deeply, and thus has much to lose, much to ache over, much to grieve. God, who would want a life that had nothing to miss? Nothing to lose? Nothing to be afraid of leaving behind?

Instead of trying to find a way to live without loss – turn inward, put up walls of solitude and shut out anything that might possibly cause potential pain, I have chosen to keep buckled in on this rollercoaster ride and try my best to embrace both its dips and hills.

I have found the greatest thing I can give myself is compassion. Compassion for ourselves is allowing and softening into whatever feelings arise – good or bad – instead of shunning them away because they are “bad” or “uncomfortable.”

Thich Nhat Hanh says we should cradle our suffering like a baby, so, when I am hurting and angry, I try to look at myself like I look at my 6-year-old when she is in the midst of a full blown meltdown. On the surface, there is anger, pain, tears – underneath, there is sadness, sorrow, hurt, frustration, and a little girl just dying to be heard and understood.

We each have that child within, who just wants her pain to be seen and heard.

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It would be easy for me to turn into a mean, angry, violent person. I have so much hurt and anger inside for all the shit I’ve been handed. It takes everything in me to, instead, try to let it out – breathe through it, lean into it, feel it, and go through it, not around it. I have learned that allowing myself to be in the uncomfortable space of anger, frustration, self-doubt, shame, loneliness, and sorrow, is actually the only path through suffering. Lean in, not away. Soften into it. Have compassion for myself, instead of anger at myself for not being a perfect human being who has somehow magically found a way to live a life free of suffering.

So, instead of telling you to feel better today about whatever you are going through, I am going to tell you, go ahead and feel like crap. Have a pity party for one for a minute. Cry, throw a temper tantrum, punch a freaking wall. Then, pick yourself up like a child who fell off his bike, and wipe your tears away with compassion – true, all-encompassing, non-judgmental compassion that allows you to feel whatever you are feeling now.

I’d like to think life will get “better” eventually, but it may not, so I try to embrace whatever is before me – even the pain, because I know more joy is just around the corner, and all of it is part of this crazy, mad, happy sad beautiful life. For everything I have lost, I have loved a whole lot more.**

Brave Little (Former) Grim Reaper Girl

“I realized this little egg I’ve been sitting on, that I’m dying to hatch and share with you in the form of books, talks, workshops, blogs & more is not just about grief. I’ve realized it’s actually just about life.”

Ok, so, here it goes.

I have a confession.

I have been totally terrified for the last year to be myself, completely. I am inching back into the territory of the brave, and I am asking you to bear witness.

A year ago, I stood on a precipice of magnificence. I created a Grief Workshop for a huge grief conference, putting together a complete proposal with learning objectives (had to learn how to write those!), experiential learning tools, a curriculum vitae, guest speakers, and all kinds of other fancy stuff. In a matter of weeks, I did it. From start to finish, this task pushed me far beyond my limits and past them – and when I was done, I had something, complete, and, well, GOOD.

See, one of fatal flaws is I’m great at start things, notsomuch at finishing them. But, this time, I finished something. I did! I was brave, and made phone calls and asked people to help me, and they did! They wanted to! They wanted to help ME, help others! I showed people who I considered much further advanced in my field of bravery (LOL) my true heart, my passion, my truth…and you know what they said?

“This is work that needs to be done.”

“Yes, this needs to be shared.”

“Whether you’re accepted to this conference or not, I will support you and help you in doing this work.”

You see, I have something in me, that has come out of all this craptastic schiznit the last few years…and it’s amazing, I know it. It could change my life, it could change your life, it could change the world in so many ways, great and small. It’s a sort-of system that has unfolded before me for dealing with negative emotions and life challenges, big and small. In my view, it could be a missing piece in the GREAT BIG puzzle of life in so many ways.

I never felt so alive as when I was creating this workshop, and I made so many brave choices. But, then, I got scared again, and I crawled back into my turtle shell, had a really shitty year that I let push me further into the oblivion of my own shell, and I didn’t do a damn thing with that amazing thing I did.

© Razvanjp | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

So, life, as it often does, handed me some more lemons (pardon the ole’ cliche) again, and said, “Neener, neener, Megan, what are you going to do with these ones?” It’s like Maya Angelou’s famous quote, “When you know better, you do better.” It took me a little longer than I’d like to admit, but this time, I knew what to do, and soon enough, I did finally start crushing and churning those lemons. As I did, another piece – maybe the final piece of the puzzle –  emerged. I realized this little egg I’ve been sitting on, that I’m dying to hatch and share with you in the form of books, talks, workshops, blogs & more is not  just about grief. I’ve realized it’s actually just about life. Period. It applies to every single person on this Earth. It can help you find joy in tragedy, or in the mundane, it can help you embrace sorrow as equally as bliss, it can help you discover your life’s purpose, it can help you face your fears and pain, it can help you be a more joyful parent, wife, friend, lover, partner, human. It is already helped me do all these. 

And I think I’ve figured out, that if I don’t do this…I will die. Seriously, I will self-implode. I may not die today or tomorrow, or even 10 years from now, but every day that I continue to live in fear of being brave and vulnerable, of being willing to try and fail…every one of those days, a slow poison will be eating away at me inside – the poison of not expressing my magnificence.

So, I’ve decided that STEP ONE of my new post-Anita-Moorjani “living fearlessly” attitude-in-action is to create some accountability for myself, and garner your support.  So, if you would like to see me hatch this egg and start speaking on the beautiful lessons I’ve learned the last few years, to help others live more joyful, fearless lives, would you like this post or comment on it, and tell me?! I’d like to know, would you come to one of my presentations? Would you buy a short e-book that would give you specific steps and tools you can incorporate into your daily life to help you deal with life’s challenges – to help you learn how to accept yourself and your life as it is, while also opening up that connection to the Divine and expressing all your amazing magnificence?

If the answer is yes, then please share below.

Then, do me a favor, and come back in a week, and ask me what I’m doing about it, before the Universe hands me more lemons to squeeze again, will ya?!

What Are You Holding Back?

I’m reading Marianne Williamson’s, “Everyday Grace” right now, and this quote struck me so profoundly when I read it the other day, I wanted to share it. Anita Moorjani, who I spoke of in my last blog post, spoke about this same sort of principle – that if we withhold our magnificence from the world, and keep it inside, it can turn into a sort of self-implosion that eats away at us from within, turning into disease and dis-ease in our lives.

I think Marianne is speaking of the same thing here. It’s all those little things we are afraid of sharing, because we’re afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of what others will think, afraid of making a mistake, afraid we’re not quite there yet. Each time we withhold a piece of ourselves from the Universe, every time we question an inner intuition to share our love and joy with the world, it’s like a small firework going off before it leaves the ground –  it still erupts within, but because it has nowhere to go, it simply burns itself up.

I know I’ve been withholding my magnificence from the world in many ways – out of fear of failure, fear of life, fear of joy, fear, fear, fear, and a bit of pain, too. I’m working right now on allowing it to come out and loving myself enough to trust that it’s important to share my heart, but it’s a daily process, and one that I’m taking with you.

Today, ponder on this thought. What are you withholding? What is that one thing within that keeps dogging at you, tugging at your heart again and again, asking you to let it out into the world and express it, believe it, dream it? What are you holding back? What could you give away? I’m not talking about going and clearing out your pantry and donating some staples to the local food bank. I’m asking you to look within and ask yourself what’s in there that’s dying to come out, but maybe you’ve been afraid to try? If you could live like Anita Moorjani does after her near-death experience – FEARLESSLY – what would you do with that thing within?

Is there one small thing you could do today to start expressing your magnificence?

Take a moment to consider it, then “fake it ’til you make it.” Act courageously, even if you feel scared to death. Try it. See what happens!

Cancer SUCKS, But…

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Cancer sucks. In fact, if I were honest, and willing to be profane, I would give Cancer a solid tongue lashing right now. I would fling multiple curse words at it because it has burned its hot branding into the lives of my loved ones far too much in the last three years.

In 2008, Cancer began an endless stretch of its slimy paws so close, so encroaching, and so frequently into my life, it felt like it’s sole purpose was to greedily rape my soul and break my heart a million times over. As of just a few weeks ago, Cancer has touched, and killed, six close loved ones in three short years. All but one of them were under the age of 52.

But (yes, there’s a “but!”), with time, I was able to take Cancer’s “Pandora’s box” of pain-infested manure and work it compost for my life’s flower garden. For me, this practice brings purpose to pain.

At the time that my fifty-year-old Aunt (my Dad’s younger sister) was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in ’08, we were not very close. She had been a solid, staple figure in my life, but I had always ached to truly know her at a soul level.

Even in the midst of her chemotherapy treatments, biopsies, and a brutal battle for survival, my fears of the unknown – of death and despair, and the discomfort of trying to get to know her better – kept me from making time to get to know her. I am ashamed to say, I didn’t visit her once that entire year.

But, in early 2009, after a short remission period, the Cancer returned with a vengeance and finally kicked me square in the rear, hard enough to knock the fear right out of me.

Suddenly, I was overbearingly reminded of the all-too-familiar taste of regret – a feeling I had known too well after my two-year-old nephew died. I hadn’t seen him for two months before his sudden death – a regret I would live with for eternity.

What Would I Regret More? 

I was scared to see my Aunt suffering, but the question of regret tormented me daily. I wondered, would I be sitting at her funeral thinking, “I wish I had known her better,” or would I be weeping in the back corner because I had, well, finally found a way to know her?

My Aunt Debbie holding my daughter

I didn’t have much money, and I had a two-year-old in tow, but I threw out all my excuses, and finally went to see her several times before her death. The gas money to drive two hours to see her just magically appeared, and bringing my daughter with, which I thought would certainly be a terrible idea, actually created the best memories I have with her.

We only had three months together, but that was what her Cancer gave us…time. Death can come in so many sudden, inexplicable, horrific forms that leave us filled with questions and regret. But, Cancer almost always gives us at least a little time with our loved ones.

When she did pass in March, I made another choice to push past my fears, and go be with her, and her family, in her final hours. I whispered in her ear, “It’s ok, you can go be at peace now,” and when I finished the sentence with, “We will miss you,” it had a new meaning it wouldn’t have had a few months before.

After she died, I spent a week putting together a photo slideshow of her life for the Memorial Service – it was my small way of trying to honor her.

I grieved her deeply, and tortured myself slowly through the placing of the photos of her life.

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But, as I sat in the back of the Church, making sure the slideshow went off without a hitch, a pipe burst in my hardened heart. I wept profuse puddles of tears for what I had lost. I had found a way to know her – my only regret, was waiting ‘til the last minute to try.

I HATE Cancer, But…

I hate Cancer. I loathe it, despise it, curse it, bemoan it. But, it has swept me to the death beds of five souls to make last-ditch memories, swear my unending love, unleash my tears, and relish in final shreds of joy with each one.

I can’t really say Cancer has been a gift in my life, because, well, this is Cancer we’re talking about. But, I can say, with a great deal of inner work, I was able to transform my hate in Cancer’s aftermath. For those of us left behind, that’s about the best we can do, I think.

“Sorrow, fear, and depression are all a kind of garbage…You can practice in order to turn these bits of garbage into flowers. It is not only your love that is organic; your hate is, too. So you should not throw anything out. All you have to do is learn how to transform your garbage into flowers.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh, “You Are Here”

Are You Expanding or Contracting?

Are you pushing yourself outside your comfort zones? Are you expanding your heart and your spirit further into bettering yourself and others? Are you living in fear of failure, or pushing through the fear to see what’s on the other side? Are you willing to make mistakes, or do you stop yourself before you even try? 

This is almost a love letter to myself right now, because I need to hear this advice, so I’m going to give it you, in hopes perhaps my own psyche will absorb it by osmosis along the way!

It seems my natural instinct is to contract, although this instinct has only become more inherent in me since all these gobs of loss began in my life three years ago. I’ve been a bit like a turtle recoiling in my shell, believing that  things would be better in my safe zone within.

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Time spent turning within has certainly been necessary, vital, and thoroughly beneficial for the health of my soul, and I do believe that in order to change the world, we have to start with ourselves. But, there is also something to be said for turning without, for following the course of our instincts as they lead us to expand our lives, our futures, our dreams, our hopes, our simplest ideas of day to day “extraordinary ordinary.”

Expanding can be scary, because we may be called to expand in new directions that are unknown, thus uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. But, what is life if we are simply a stagnant pond? What is life if we sit still, if we never move forward, into new unknowns?

I’ve been willing to move to new homes, start new lives again and again, rebirth myself through endless loss experiences. But, I’ve been terrified – blisteringly TERRIFIED – to expand fully into myself: to stand up and say, “This is why I’m here, I have something to share, I hope you can take something from me.”

I DID SOMETHING BRAVE AND SCARY

See, a few months back, right before I found out that I was pregnant, I did something big, brave, and scary. I thought about telling you about it…but, of course, I was afraid of failing in front of you (haha, there’s that old ego popping in again, petrified of being diminished in any way, large or small. Pesky bugger!).

I started to plan a workshop/seminar teaching a simple, intuitive process to finding peace in pain, that I’ve uncovered through all these experiences of loss and grief. I’ve honed this process as I’ve gone through all these losses, adding to it with each one. By the fifth devastating loss I had, I had fallen into a rhythm with this process which profoundly empowered me through all my subsequent struggles.I took a HUGE LEAP, and submitted a proposal for a Grief Conference, which pushed me so far outside my comfort zones I scared myself every day I was working on it. It was great! Exhilarating! Terrifying – in a good way!

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I pushed past all my fears that normally would’ve stopped me so many times along the way, and I did something amazing.

Then, I went back in my shell to hide.

WHY STOP THERE?!

I thought, “Who am I? Who am I to say I have something to teach anyone else? What will they think of me if I get up there and share my truths? I don’t have any letters after my name! I don’t know anything about the psychology of grief! I’m just a regular ole’ Joe who thinks she figured a thing or two out along the way!”

So, that’s where I’ve been sitting for the last few months. As I’ve simultaneously hibernated through the first tormenting trimester of pregnancy, I’ve also been sitting in contraction.

I’m not afraid of more pain, more hurt, more loss, more moves, more deaths, etc. I’m afraid that I might not do right with the gifts I’ve been given. I’m afraid I don’t have the worldly qualifications to stand up and say, “Here, here is my gift to you…take it, use it.”

But, isn’t that kind of dumb?! 

Last night, after a wonderful day in nature floating down the creek, soaking up sun and serenity, I was driving home thinking about all this…about how I had started to step out on a leap of faith and how death-defying that had felt, and how I had just stopped, and frozen, right on that cusp of something amazing.

Driving along, it hit me like a brick through the windshield. What was it all for – 13 deaths, four difficult moves, a miscarriage, financial struggles, and years of meditating, writing, reading, and soul-searching, digging for gems in piles of sewer spoilage – what was it all for, if I don’t do something GOOD with it?

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TIME TO CHOOSE TO EXPAND

This little method I’ve come up with is something that could bring great healing to many people – it is simple, profound, and a path to peace that empowers us to feed and heal our own souls without needing others to do it for us. It could help heal your pain from a loss of any sort, it could help you just figure out why you fought with your spouse yesterday, or why you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. It could help you make peace with a relative you haven’t spoken to in decades, it could help you find meaning and gifts in grief like I have.

But, only if I have the courage to share it…in person, in a room full of your bright, shining souls…willing to watch me fail, or succeed.

That conference wasn’t right for me, and I knew that from the beginning. But, I submitted the proposal because I knew I needed to develop the workshops and start offering them here, in my own backyard, on a smaller scale, where I can simply share my story with you, and hope you can take something from it.

So, I’m writing this, because it forces me to start expanding again. It holds me accountable to you, the beautiful souls who’ve come here to witness my journey and find something for yourself here. I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to keep expanding, but I’m going to try.

I’m so honored by you, by your presence here, and I’m terrified that I somehow won’t give you enough. I’m terrified of standing up in a room and telling you I have something to teach you.

But, I think I have to do it anyway.

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Are you expanding or contracting? What are you most afraid of taking a risk on when it comes to your dreams? Is there ONE small step you could take to start pushing through your fears to find out what’s on the other side? Let me know what you find when you get there…

 

The Big News (Finally!)

Hello there, blogging slacker reporting in for duty!

In my last post, I told you there would be a BIG announcement coming soon.

It perfectly explains why I accidentally took a pretty long hiatus from the work I’ve been trying to do in the world here on this blog.

I was reading an article in a magazine at the doctor’s office recently and a line struck me – it spoke about all of one’s creative energy going to one project, and leaving little to give in other areas of life.

Well, all my creative energy has been going somewhere lately, that’s for sure!  And to a pretty amazing project might I add! One of the three best, most miraculous, life-changing, creative journeys of my life, in fact.

Yes, my creative energy has been creating…

Don’t Mess With My Kid!

It’s been a challenging week, to say the least.

We spent the evening in the ER with our daughter last night – suffice it to say, her ear drum ruptured and she’s been dealing with some serious on-going tummy issues we’re trying to get to the bottom of.

I find myself much more able to weather the storms these days, though, and be the eye of the hurricane, instead of the winds. Some cool, calm lady showed up at the ER last night – I don’t know where she came from, but they tell me she’s Kayta’s mother!

I think maybe I’ve had enough practice at weathering storms, now, I’ve kind of got it down. I also have much greater perspective, now, in the eyes of so much loss. I see ER visits as far less urgent than, say, fighting Cancer with your child. I don’t know how Mommas like those “Fiercely Brave” Mommas from Camp Soaring Eagle do it, but they inspire me to keep grounded despite all the possible worst case scenarios.

I also practice daily meditation – just a simple five minutes alone with myself, without the assault of incessant, continuous thoughts attacking my senses. This practice also grounds me, reminding me of my true inner nature that is connected to everyone and everything, and I think that is what helps me stay peaceful when the going gets tough.

Of course, I did take a few minutes to shake my fists at the sky last night, “Mess with me all you want to, but don’t mess with my kid!” But, then, I realized…THESE are the joys of parenting…the ones no one tells you about beforehand. When I think about all the potential broken limbs, scars, bruises, skinned knees and torn hearts ahead, this is just a drop in the bucket, I suppose!

So, we tried to make the ER fun! We brought a new Dora drawing kit and colored our favorite characters, watched our favorite movies on the mini-DVD player, and exchanged stickers and smiles. We made the best of it, as much as we could, for our little girl.

Trust? What’s That?!

Sitting in the hospital room waiting to see the Doctor, I found myself trusting that we would be provided with everything we needed – far from my typical old fear-based mentality of, “Oh no, what’s going to happen?!”

I used the “Open Your Mind to Receive” thinking and said to myself, “We are now receiving a warm, kind, sensitive Doctor and nurses who are going to go above and beyond for us in helping our daughter tonight.”

A few minutes later a warm, kind, loving, sensitive Physician’s Assistant greeted us, and did just that. At the end of the night, my kiddo drew a picture of our nurse and had me write, “I love you” to her on the dry erase board in our room before we left.

Yes, sometimes, it’s best to expect the worst when it comes to valuing the time we have with our loved ones as sacred. But sometimes, it’s best to expect blessings, too, and enjoy receiving them.

COMING UP NEXT…

I’ve been working on the first post in a series on how the RECESSION kicked my tookus and managed to give me some gifts along the way, which I have a feeling you can relate to as I know we’ve all been feeling the squeeze. So, watch for that coming soon.

I also have a big announcement I’ll be making in the next week, so stay tuned.

I’ll be back soon after I’ve squeezed 42 ear drops in my kiddo’s ear, bought her a new Barbie backpack as a reward for being such a good patient at the hospital, and squeezed on her enough to make me feel better, too!

 

How do you find peace in the middle of your hurricanes? Do you find ways to be calm in the storms of illness – yours, or others? What specific methods do you find work best for you? I’d love to hear your ideas on this one.

“Expect the Worst” – Good Advice?

News of a family member’s unexpected illness last week sent me into temporary panic waves resembling those of the Indonesian tsunami of ’04.

I have to say, I am getting pretty dang sick of my Mom calling, with that hushed tone and the words, “I have news.” (And she’s probably pretty sick of it, too!)

“Hindsight is always 20/20” – how many times have we heard that line? In the last few years, it’s taken on new meaning for me. It seems no matter the terms or conditions of a loss, I always find something to regret in what I did or didn’t do beforehand.

So, I’ve developed a new preemptive strategy. I have decided to expect the worst. And, I’m saying this with a smile on my face because I believe it’s good advice for myself!

I am all about living in positivity, manifesting joy and abundance in your life through positive affirmations, and everything else I talk about here.

But, when it comes to pondering how much time you may or may not have with a loved one…whether they are perfectly healthy, or fighting an illness, my advice is this: Expect the worst.

Treat every person – every experience you have for that matter – like it has a signed and stamped impending expiration date.

Everything has an expiration date. Expecting the worst grants us freedom to enjoy each person and experience more fully and freely knowing "this too shall pass."

When I received the news about this most recent family member’s massive, debilitating stroke, my first thoughts were for her life, and then, for how much I had been in that life lately.

At Christmas-time I had given The Gift of Time to my loved ones, offering ideas of personalized “dates” together that I wanted to fulfill with each.

My first thought at this news was, “But I didn’t get to have my date with her yet!” Followed by, “Geez Megan, haven’t you learned anything yet about making the most of your time with people? Stop procrastinating! I don’t care how much you have going on in your life, or how many people have died lately, why didn’t you go see her like you promised?!!!”

It was at that moment that I decided this time, I’m going to expect the worst. This time, I’m going to rush to see her as soon, and as often, as possible.

I have to admit, going to visit her is going to be hard. Every time, putting myself in the face of illness and mortality has been oozingly uncomfortable. But, I would rather the discomfort of illness now, then the ache of regret later. Regret lives on after a loss, and becomes it’s own illness in us. I’ve tasted it so many times, I’ve really had enough of it now.

So, I’ve decided that the eternal optimist in me has its place, but so does the ever-so-jaded, reality-based pessimist. Honestly, that damn optimist has tricked me nearly every time. When my Aunt was dying of cancer, it said, “She beat it once, she’ll beat it again!” But, she didn’t beat it, and all those months I was telling myself she would, I was two hours away believing for a miracle instead of at her bed, savoring every last second with her.

My Grandmother was in her eighties, fighting late-stage Alzheimer’s and again, the optimist in me said, “She’s strong, otherwise healthy – she’ll be here for years!” When she suffered an unexpected stroke, I felt bruised and betrayed by that damn optimism. I would have treasured pessimism much more if it had forced me to her house a few more times those last couple months, in fear of impending doom.

If I had expected the worst every time, I would have had a lot more of just that – time, with each person. The plain truth is…if I’m too abundantly sanguine about a person’s health and longevity, I’m more likely to take them for granted.

So, my optimism can come along for the ride and hope for a speedy recovery for this one, but it’ll have to come hand-in-hand with pessimism. I’ve decided a healthy fire stoked under my rear is probably the better burn to feel now, then the painful sting of regret later.

Forgive me if I sound morbid, but, dear, dear, dear ones, this is it right here – this is why facing the discomfort of the impermanence of all things, sooner rather then later, empowers you!

Every moment is a death – life is always changing, there is truly nothing to hold onto in this life, that will not eventually slip away. This is not morbid – it is acceptance of the now, of reality, and that is freedom! It helps us treasure the moments we have now fully. Empowered by an awareness of impermanence, you can savor each moment more deeply.

“It is very useful to keep our concentration on impermanence alive. You think the other person in your life is going to be there forever, but that is not true. That person is impermanent, just like you. So if you can do something to make that person happy, you should do it right away. Anything you can do or say to make him or her happy – say it or do it now. It’s now or never.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh, “You Are Here” 

“Expecting the worst” doesn’t mean you end up living in morbid, worst-case scenario fright 24/7 – it means you live in eternal gratefulness for each moment, because you now know, each moment is truly a gift.

I am currently living in my fifth home in three years. Letting go of the first one was most painful – now that I’m in the fifth one, I hold it loosely. I enjoy it for what it has while I’m here, and also rest in a knowing that it could easily change. I expect the unexpected now, and this grants me abundant freedom.

I adore the elders in my family, and they adore the little ones in mine! We try to make the most of every minute we have together & fill our moments with lots of giggles!

The same applies to my loved ones – it’s good to expect the unexpected to ward off potential regret, but at the same time, I hold my loved ones loosely, knowing I have no control over when they leave this earth, and I can only do my best to enjoy them fully while they are here.

The many death experiences I have had have granted me the gift of understanding impermanence, of enjoying everything “for a season.” Grant yourself the freedom of holding life loosely! Enjoy every person and experience as though it were sand slipping through your fingers…wonderful to feel as it comes, and goes.

Update: I went to visit this family member just after writing this, and seeing her determination to regain her mobility, her dedication to living in the present moment, and her positive attitude, moved and inspired me. Seeing her was a gift to me, not just her. I am so glad I went, and I will go back again soon! It wasn’t easy seeing her so changed, but I felt like I’m starting to live up to my “Gift of Time” with her now, and we still plan to have that “date” soon.

This Post Is Not Going to Amaze You

Warning: This post is not going to amaze you, blow you away, unveil any startling information about life or death, or how to go at either. This post is not going to make you want to create a viral video and spread it across all the 299 social network sites you belong to. You will not want to like it, tweet it, share it, digg it, pin it, +1 it, Stumble or Tumble it, or maybe even read it.  

This, right here, is going to be a below-average, unplanned, spontaneous, barely edited regular-ole’-Joe kind of post. 

So, hold onto your socks, they’re not going anywhere. 

I’m a writer, so I have pretty high standards for anything everything I put out into the world that includes words.

This includes my Memoir I’ve been working on diligently for 1.5 years now, Workshop Proposals, Press Releases, website content, newspaper articles, contributing articles for sites like Wandering Educators, text messages, blog comments, Facebook posts, Pinterest posts, and…it includes this blog.

With every flashy would-be Blog Headline that passes through my mind, I pin it like a Pinterest pin on the bulletin board of my mind and ask myself one question…

Pulitzer Prize material, or not?

Ha! I’m just kidding!

My standards are kind of high, though. Someone once told me, “There’s no such thing as a great first draft, only great editing.” I’m a writer, so I know that all good content comes in the tedious task of working and re-working, fine-tuning, and fine-tooth-combing your work to make it as good as it can possibly be.

So, where does this leave me in the great post-something-once-or-twice-or-30-times-a-day Blog world?

It leaves me wishing I could write faster, edit with more feverish fervor, hire SuperNanny, win the lottery and just lower my own ridiculous bar so I can just step over it and get on with blasting out multiple amaze-a-friend posts many times per day.

But, every time I write to you, dear friends, I want to be profound, dangit! I want to move you tears, knock those socks off of ya right into the next room, urge you to do something about something, or simply sink you deeper into the seat of your soul as you read. That is my intention, every day (or every other day, or once a week, or once every other week, or as often as I can!).

Every day I check my email inbox to find a plethora of consistent bloggers (like this guy or better yet, this gal who’s preggo with numero quatro, homeschools, and still blogs every day) dumping yet another gift-wrapped, neat little bit of their being into my email box, all nice and tidy, pristine and pretty, looking quite nicely edited, and even with fantastic photos to go with…and I think, what the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I do that?

I wish I could post more! I’m sure I could make a full-time job out of delighting and inspiring you daily, but, we all know, “real life” comes first.

These two.

And a dream for this:

And maybe this:

And in between, a dream to have just one person a day come here, and feel…something…feel known, seen, heard, understood, deepened, or dare I say, enlightened?

And, profundity takes time, and work, and thoughtfulness. I’m not saying those who produce multiple posts a day don’t use all these tools – just that I guess I move at a slower pace???

What’s The Punchline? 

All this being said, in this amazingly wonderfully blaise, inadequate, ill-formatted and unplanned post…

I am making plans for what I hope will be a series of Posts That Will Amaze, Stun & Shock You (oops, sorry, the overzealous Circus Ringleader in me just urped out there!).

They’ll be comin’ right up, hot and fresh, just as soon as I can take 42 hours to edit each one ’til it’s perfectly, tidily, primly, properly, proportionately prepared for you.

And The Moral of the Story Is (Because we always have to have a moral!)

I’m sure you can tell, the tone of my posts has changed. Don’t worry, I’ll get all serious and deep on you again soon! For now, and for the first time in three very long years of pure, unimaginable funeral-ridden hell, I am sitting back and soaking up the rays of joy that are spreading ooey-gooey-cheesy sunshine into every crevice of my life.

I worked VERY hard to get to this place – to be able to get up in the morning and choose to see the glass half full, instead of feeling the weight of lack, pain, grief, and sorrow defining my existence. It took a lot of work for me to pull back the edges of the black cloud over me, and search for a rainbow in the sky somewhere above it. So, I do believe a bit of “Just for the joy of it!” celebrating is in order for a time!

I’m looking forward to sharing my upcoming series on the gifts in loss with you soon. First, I’ve got a little joy calling me. I’m throwing a birthday party for my son – a birthday party! I haven’t enjoyed something as silly and inane as throwing a birthday party in A YEAR! Can you believe I’m over-the-moon about Traffic Signal Rice Krispy Treats and Grape-pinned Apple Cars?! This is miraculous in and of itself.

Every day, I’ve been waking up, choosing to live, “Just for the joy of it! Just for the joy of it!” For a girl who’s got as many funeral dresses as Katherine Heigl had bridesmaids dresses in 27 dresses, this is pretty freaking fantastic, I think. So, page views, take a break for awhile if you must, I’ll be sendin’ some more amazin’ your way soon. We’ve got recessions to beat, tragedies to alight, awakenings to unfold, soul food to crunch, and much more…coming right up, on a hot soul-plate of somethin’, as soon as I can whip slow cook up some more homemade profundity for you all!

They do say, it’s all about quality, not quantity, right?!

(Goshdangit, I just couldn’t do it – I simply COULD NOT put this post out there without some prissy, perfecting editing and some pretty pictures! Dangit! The Writer Within wins again!) 

You Win…A New Car! (Really!)

This week, I’ve been rolling down a rowdy river of abundance, and so I decided it was time to stop and take roll call on the gratefulness gravy train, and pay it forward…by sharing it with you.

Please excuse me, because I think I’m about to start sounding like an overzealous car salesman here. I can’t help but overuse exclamation points – looking back at the last couple weeks, I really have to be exuberantly thankful, which requires prolific use of exclamation points and capitalization!

In the last two weeks…

I was GIVEN a new car at a fraction of the cost of my old one!
I was GIVEN hundreds of dollars worth of free groceries, and coupons for more!
My utility bills were paid in full for this month and next!
I received a new cell phone I needed (because my son keeps taking my phones for swims) for FREE.
I was GIVEN a shopping spree for my entire family.
And, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

I highly recommend this book. I hope I don't sound too pentecostally charismatic when I say, IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE! It has, really!

I have been reading (and re-reading) Catherine Ponder’s “Open Your Mind to Receive,” a gift from a dear friend who attributes a great deal of her success to this book.

Two of the main principles I’ve been practicing are:

1. Release your attachment to people, places and stuff and,
2. Giving is the first step to receiving. (We’ll discuss this one more in a later post.)

I’d like to tell you about how powerful the art of release has been in my life, as it’s been a sort of a “piano practice” for me these last few years in the midst of the throws of this lovely Recession.

“The act of release is one of your most effective forms of opening your mind to receive. [It] frees you from tightness, tension, and grasping…[and] helps you to become an open, receptive channel through which the intelligence of the Universe can flow to you…”
~Open Your Mind to Receive, pg. 26

Since I started reading this book, I’ve been practicing my own abridged version of one of her suggested affirmations.

I release my attachment to all people, places and things of the past or present. I manifest my true place with true prosperity now.

At first the idea of saying such a thing sounded absolutely ludicrous and outlandish to me. I started into this section of the book thinking, “I’m a perfectly content self-confessed co-dependent! I don’t want to release anything!”

But, then my dear friend, RECESSION came along and, like it or not, he started bush-whacking these lovely lessons on the art of releasing into me.

I used to hold on to my stuff, my people, and my little Linus’ blanket of materialistic paraphernalia I thought life and happiness required of me, so tightly, I nearly killed myself trying to grip it all as it slipped away.

It's just STUFF! Release and receive, release and receive!

When I started releasing, and releasing some more, and then a little more, I discovered a priceless gift this insidious friend, Recession, had given. That gift was freedom.

Remember? “The act of release frees you from tightness, tension and grasping.”

Oh the things I have released now! Homes, cars, jobs, people, places – you name it!

Catherine Ponder goes on to explain that this act of release frees us from negativity. I can see that now – because I no longer feel imprisoned by an attachment to people, places or things. If it’s not working for me anymore – if it’d serve me better to release it, sell it, give it away, or let it go in some way – I happily proceed forward. Here’s why:

“Elimination of something from your life is always an indication that something better is on the way.”

I could throw out countless stories to illustrate this point in my life (ah yes, that’s what the book I’m writing is for!). For now, I’ll just share my one most amazing recent illustration.

A few weeks back, I was imprisoned by a car payment that was no longer serving me, for a car that needed new tires, brakes, and maintenance I couldn’t give it. I’ve been repeating this affirmation daily:

I am now receiving. I am receiving now. I am receiving all the abundance the Universe has for me now.

But one day, as I was driving said maintenance-challenged SUV, I just looked up at the sky and made my request a little more direct:

“This car needs work, Universe! Ok, I’m trusting (insert gritting teeth here) that I am already receiving all the things I need for this car. So there!”

And, yes, I did stick my nose up at the sky with confidence at that last part!

In making this rather direct request, I tried to keep my mind open, just as Ponder suggests, to receive in any way possible, not just the ways I could foresee.

TWO WEEKS later, I RECEIVED a phone call out of the blue, offering me a car at a fraction of the cost of my car!

At first, I laughed at the sky, for fulfilling my request in a way I could not have foreseen. Then, I found out this new car had brand new versions of everything I’d been lacking in the old one – brakes, tires, etc. I knew it was the Universe replying – ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, my dear!

Bye, bye, old car!
(Not that's not really my old car, stalkers! Just trying to illustrate the point!)

To receive the new income, I had to release my old car, and any ideas I had about what kind of a car I wanted. Then, I got something, “BETTER!”

“Better” is not always, bigger, grander, more expensive or wonderfully ridiculous. Sometimes “better” is “smaller and more affordable.” “Better” may serve my heart more then my pocketbook, or serve my pocketbook more then my ego!

The art of release can be a painful one sometimes, but only when we try to grasp the things we need to release. If we are willing to open our minds to receive, and release our limitations and expectations on how exactly we should receive, we create an open channel for abundance to flow into our lives.

So, hop aboard your own gratefulness gravy train – grasp everything in your life as tightly as sand slipping through your fingers, and watch your “income” turn from a fight to a flow.

Let go, release, and receive! I dare you to try it!

(And to that special anonymous car-donor – you know who you are – thank you for sharing your abundance! You’ve got great car-ma comin’ your way. Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.)

P.S. I’m compiling some first-hand testimonials on the Release and Receive concept and how it’s worked for others. Do you have a story you could share? Have you released, and received something unexpected? Leave a comment below, and your story might be featured in a future episode of the Gratefulness Gravy Train!