How do you rise from the fire when you’re still in the flames?
I am hurting so much right now, it’s nearly unbearable. I’m not just in the flames, I am the flames. I am a raging fire of anger and pain.
Every time I say, “How much more can one person take?” Or, “How much worse can it get?” It gets worse. I get handed more shit. Yes, I am fully aware that there are 300 million people in the world who probably have it a lot worse then I do. But, right now, I have had three years of intense struggle, pain, and loss, and some days I just wake up and think, “I don’t know if I have any fight left in me anymore.”
Today is the one year anniversary of Kayta’s best friend’s death. For that, and so much more I’m dealing with right now, part of me would like to cry and scream all day.
There are two songs I’ve adopted as personal anthems lately. Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain and Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger. I keep hearing, “I set fire to the rain, watched it burn on your face,” and, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I want to set fire to the rain. I want to be great. I want to be stronger. I want to rise from the ashes like a phoenix ONCE AGAIN.
But, right now, I just want some peace. I keep trying to meditate because I know that’s where I can find peace but when I’m this angry, it’s really hard to get quiet and go within. It’s almost like I don’t want peace, like I’d rather hold on tight to my anger. Maybe for the moment I am content to be angry. Maybe I just want to be a raging machine for a second.
My friend told me the other day that a word I beg for often, “Reprieve,” is actually a word for a stay of execution right before death.
Here’s the thing, I will come out the other side of this, like everything else. But right now, I am accepting what is – remember my infamous Eckhart Tolle quote that has been the soluble solution of my life?
“Freedom from suffering is accepting this moment as it is.”
Well, right now, I am accepting this moment as it is, in part at least. I am accepting that I am angry.
Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You should cradle your suffering like a baby.” So, I’m trying to be kind to my suffering and not judge it or try to get rid of it. Just look at it, comfort it, and say, “I’m sorry you’re suffering.” I’ve got ten posts almost written on this topic because I know it’s so important. But, it looks like I need to start taking my own advice in this moment…follow my own steps.
First step to dealing with anger/pain/sadness/grief?
“Any negative emotion not fully expressed in the moment it arises leaves behind a remnant of pain.” ~Eckhart Tolle
I didn’t need ole’ Eckhart to tell me this. I have freaking LIVED it for over a decade now. I don’t want to be struggling and suffering, and I know I’m the only one who can change my perspective to see the beauty of life around the pain again. But, I can’t get there ’til I get my anger and sadness expressed first.
So, I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad. There ya go. Tomorrow, I may be a vision of peace again. But today, today I am a vision of pain, and that’s o.k.
I came on here and found two comments from a new friend today and it just busted me open and finally, I let down my tears into a swelling river and felt at least a bit of release, and now a bit of peace. That’s why I’m posting today. Because, it’s been my habit to self-sustain – not to depend on anyone else for help in times of need, not to “need” anyone or anything, to put on a brave face and get through it on my own.
But, a good friend recently taught me the beauty of asking for help, and so I’ve been trying to do it more.
On my first big “out me” post, Grim Reaper Girl – Part 1, many of you said, “I’m so sorry, I wish I had known…I would’ve…” One woman’s comments on that post stuck with me.
Now, I keep coming back here to the blog thinking, “Ok, wait, maybe I don’t always have to be a vision of strength, maybe sometimes, I can be weak, and just ask…for…well…a reprieve.”
Maybe the only reprieve I need to get through all this to find the “gifts in grief” again, is to be reminded I’m not alone. To hear, “I see you, I care.” I don’t want to “need” that. But, my own living truth is the words, “Why are we here? FOR EACH OTHER!” So, I’m living my words. I’ve given this blog as my gift to you, but you are a gift to me, too!
I think I had this idea that I should always be a vision of strength for you. That showing my hurts and struggles would make me look…WEAK. But, actually, I’m remembering that it’s been my goal to emulate DEALING with pain. I don’t want to teach you to just put on a brave face and say, “I’m ok” when you’re not. I want to teach you how to express your hurts, cradle your suffering like a baby, reach out and ask for help, give yourself empathy for the pain you are facing, and then…THEN…after all that, we’ll start working on the “GETTING THROUGH the pain to the gifts on the other side” part.
(Wow, I feel so much better now! LOL! I guess I did just need to express it! First step is always “Express it!” Geez, Megan, haven’t you figured that out by now?!!!)
Thanks for listening. I feel Stronger, and I think I’m starting to Set Fire to the Rain.
Please let me know you were here today?