What Are You Holding Back?

I’m reading Marianne Williamson’s, “Everyday Grace” right now, and this quote struck me so profoundly when I read it the other day, I wanted to share it. Anita Moorjani, who I spoke of in my last blog post, spoke about this same sort of principle – that if we withhold our magnificence from the world, and keep it inside, it can turn into a sort of self-implosion that eats away at us from within, turning into disease and dis-ease in our lives.

I think Marianne is speaking of the same thing here. It’s all those little things we are afraid of sharing, because we’re afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of what others will think, afraid of making a mistake, afraid we’re not quite there yet. Each time we withhold a piece of ourselves from the Universe, every time we question an inner intuition to share our love and joy with the world, it’s like a small firework going off before it leaves the ground –  it still erupts within, but because it has nowhere to go, it simply burns itself up.

I know I’ve been withholding my magnificence from the world in many ways – out of fear of failure, fear of life, fear of joy, fear, fear, fear, and a bit of pain, too. I’m working right now on allowing it to come out and loving myself enough to trust that it’s important to share my heart, but it’s a daily process, and one that I’m taking with you.

Today, ponder on this thought. What are you withholding? What is that one thing within that keeps dogging at you, tugging at your heart again and again, asking you to let it out into the world and express it, believe it, dream it? What are you holding back? What could you give away? I’m not talking about going and clearing out your pantry and donating some staples to the local food bank. I’m asking you to look within and ask yourself what’s in there that’s dying to come out, but maybe you’ve been afraid to try? If you could live like Anita Moorjani does after her near-death experience – FEARLESSLY – what would you do with that thing within?

Is there one small thing you could do today to start expressing your magnificence?

Take a moment to consider it, then “fake it ’til you make it.” Act courageously, even if you feel scared to death. Try it. See what happens!

Express Your Self ~ Living Life Out of Your Inner Joy

Do you plan your next adventure seeking to gain JOY from the experience, or do you adventure as an expression of the JOY you already possess within?

I consistently need to remind myself to live my life as an expression of Who I Am, instead of meeting each day like a hungry sponge, needing to be filled, so I can be Who I Am.

When I make plans for my weekend, whimsically summoning visions of peace-filled journeys and forays into nature, it’s easy to seek happiness and joy in my imaginings – to come at those experiences desiring some sort of inner fulfillment to eclipse itself within that planned activity.

When I find myself in this space of seeking fulfillment, joy, happiness, or peace to make me feel better/whole/happy; to fix me, heal me, spark me or content me, I know it’s time to take a break and turn within.

My favorite poem in the entire world bears these simple words that spiral round and round my heart now.

Whole, I enter the Whole.

There is nothing the world can give me that I do not already possess.

I know that sounds like a shocking statement in some ways. We are taught to believe that we came to this Earth to take from it, instead of give to it. We are taught to believe that we need to go out and get whatever it is we want in life.

Certainly, there is much to be said for working hard, and creating outward displays of “success.” But, that “success” means little without inner peace and joy. Our unhappy celebrities we pin high on precarious pedestals are perfect examples of this.

Before you begin your next adventure – grand or small – be it, cleaning the house or scaling a large mountain, take 5 minutes to go within & find your inner joy. Then, see what happens!

If I am seeking to gain joy from the scent of a hike in the red rocks of Sedona, or an afternoon soaking my bum in the healing waters of Oak Creek, I am making myself a broken, swiss-cheese holey sponge, seeking to be filled up or filled in with fleeting moments of happiness.

True joy comes from within.

Five minutes of quiet solitude and meditation remind me that I am already whole. Simply breathing in and out, leaving the chatter of my mind aside for a few moments, and deeply inhaling the energy of life, I am reminded of my true nature. I am a whole being, a divine soul…a divine soul, having a human experience.

Now, my weekend plans become expressions of who I already know I am – a peace-filled, content, joyful, radiant being. The experience of joy continues throughout whatever experiences I am having, instead of passing me by like a leaf on a breeze.

Whole, I enter the Whole.

I might say it to you every day from here on out, because it is the simplest path to radiating, overwhelming, pleasurable peace and joy in your life:

Take five minutes. Five minutes. Or ten or twenty if you can…and simply get quiet, go within, and remember who you really are.

Then, tell me what you plan to do with your weekend, with your today, your tomorrow…to express your Self!

Practicing this simple awareness of your Self, your soul, your inner wellspring of joy and contentment, daily, will make washing dishes, changing diapers, maneuvering traffic…joyful expressions of who you already are. It will give magic to the mundane.

Then, you don’t have to om-ing on a red rock to feel peace-filled and joyful. You can be anywhere, doing anything, and feel as blissful as a cold-blooded lizard sunning on a warm red rock.

Happy Trails!

The Big News (Finally!)

Hello there, blogging slacker reporting in for duty!

In my last post, I told you there would be a BIG announcement coming soon.

It perfectly explains why I accidentally took a pretty long hiatus from the work I’ve been trying to do in the world here on this blog.

I was reading an article in a magazine at the doctor’s office recently and a line struck me – it spoke about all of one’s creative energy going to one project, and leaving little to give in other areas of life.

Well, all my creative energy has been going somewhere lately, that’s for sure!  And to a pretty amazing project might I add! One of the three best, most miraculous, life-changing, creative journeys of my life, in fact.

Yes, my creative energy has been creating…

This Post Is Not Going to Amaze You

Warning: This post is not going to amaze you, blow you away, unveil any startling information about life or death, or how to go at either. This post is not going to make you want to create a viral video and spread it across all the 299 social network sites you belong to. You will not want to like it, tweet it, share it, digg it, pin it, +1 it, Stumble or Tumble it, or maybe even read it.  

This, right here, is going to be a below-average, unplanned, spontaneous, barely edited regular-ole’-Joe kind of post. 

So, hold onto your socks, they’re not going anywhere. 

I’m a writer, so I have pretty high standards for anything everything I put out into the world that includes words.

This includes my Memoir I’ve been working on diligently for 1.5 years now, Workshop Proposals, Press Releases, website content, newspaper articles, contributing articles for sites like Wandering Educators, text messages, blog comments, Facebook posts, Pinterest posts, and…it includes this blog.

With every flashy would-be Blog Headline that passes through my mind, I pin it like a Pinterest pin on the bulletin board of my mind and ask myself one question…

Pulitzer Prize material, or not?

Ha! I’m just kidding!

My standards are kind of high, though. Someone once told me, “There’s no such thing as a great first draft, only great editing.” I’m a writer, so I know that all good content comes in the tedious task of working and re-working, fine-tuning, and fine-tooth-combing your work to make it as good as it can possibly be.

So, where does this leave me in the great post-something-once-or-twice-or-30-times-a-day Blog world?

It leaves me wishing I could write faster, edit with more feverish fervor, hire SuperNanny, win the lottery and just lower my own ridiculous bar so I can just step over it and get on with blasting out multiple amaze-a-friend posts many times per day.

But, every time I write to you, dear friends, I want to be profound, dangit! I want to move you tears, knock those socks off of ya right into the next room, urge you to do something about something, or simply sink you deeper into the seat of your soul as you read. That is my intention, every day (or every other day, or once a week, or once every other week, or as often as I can!).

Every day I check my email inbox to find a plethora of consistent bloggers (like this guy or better yet, this gal who’s preggo with numero quatro, homeschools, and still blogs every day) dumping yet another gift-wrapped, neat little bit of their being into my email box, all nice and tidy, pristine and pretty, looking quite nicely edited, and even with fantastic photos to go with…and I think, what the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I do that?

I wish I could post more! I’m sure I could make a full-time job out of delighting and inspiring you daily, but, we all know, “real life” comes first.

These two.

And a dream for this:

And maybe this:

And in between, a dream to have just one person a day come here, and feel…something…feel known, seen, heard, understood, deepened, or dare I say, enlightened?

And, profundity takes time, and work, and thoughtfulness. I’m not saying those who produce multiple posts a day don’t use all these tools – just that I guess I move at a slower pace???

What’s The Punchline? 

All this being said, in this amazingly wonderfully blaise, inadequate, ill-formatted and unplanned post…

I am making plans for what I hope will be a series of Posts That Will Amaze, Stun & Shock You (oops, sorry, the overzealous Circus Ringleader in me just urped out there!).

They’ll be comin’ right up, hot and fresh, just as soon as I can take 42 hours to edit each one ’til it’s perfectly, tidily, primly, properly, proportionately prepared for you.

And The Moral of the Story Is (Because we always have to have a moral!)

I’m sure you can tell, the tone of my posts has changed. Don’t worry, I’ll get all serious and deep on you again soon! For now, and for the first time in three very long years of pure, unimaginable funeral-ridden hell, I am sitting back and soaking up the rays of joy that are spreading ooey-gooey-cheesy sunshine into every crevice of my life.

I worked VERY hard to get to this place – to be able to get up in the morning and choose to see the glass half full, instead of feeling the weight of lack, pain, grief, and sorrow defining my existence. It took a lot of work for me to pull back the edges of the black cloud over me, and search for a rainbow in the sky somewhere above it. So, I do believe a bit of “Just for the joy of it!” celebrating is in order for a time!

I’m looking forward to sharing my upcoming series on the gifts in loss with you soon. First, I’ve got a little joy calling me. I’m throwing a birthday party for my son – a birthday party! I haven’t enjoyed something as silly and inane as throwing a birthday party in A YEAR! Can you believe I’m over-the-moon about Traffic Signal Rice Krispy Treats and Grape-pinned Apple Cars?! This is miraculous in and of itself.

Every day, I’ve been waking up, choosing to live, “Just for the joy of it! Just for the joy of it!” For a girl who’s got as many funeral dresses as Katherine Heigl had bridesmaids dresses in 27 dresses, this is pretty freaking fantastic, I think. So, page views, take a break for awhile if you must, I’ll be sendin’ some more amazin’ your way soon. We’ve got recessions to beat, tragedies to alight, awakenings to unfold, soul food to crunch, and much more…coming right up, on a hot soul-plate of somethin’, as soon as I can whip slow cook up some more homemade profundity for you all!

They do say, it’s all about quality, not quantity, right?!

(Goshdangit, I just couldn’t do it – I simply COULD NOT put this post out there without some prissy, perfecting editing and some pretty pictures! Dangit! The Writer Within wins again!) 

Dear Sweet Nephew: I’m Smiling at the Memory of You Today

Dear Sweet Nephew,

Hi, how are you? What’s it like living in the light you were on Earth?

I thought today I would write to you, because today it’s been 10 years since you left this Earth. I know you are still nearby, and all around, but, losing the chance to hold you in my arms and run my fingers through your beautiful blond hair again, that was the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.

Marking 10 years today makes me look back on the last decade of my life without you. Of course, I wonder how things would be different if you hadn’t left. I wonder what an almost 13 year old version of you would look like, be like; how you would fit into a space in my life, how you would be a big brother, a son, a cousin.

But, I try not to dwell on thoughts like that, because obviously I can’t change what happened, I can’t bring you back. In my mind, you’ve stayed almost 3 eternally. In a way, that is a joy, because you were such a bright, beautiful, innocent beam of light in your short little life, and you’ve stayed that way in my mind.

These anniversaries have always been hard for me, but strangely not today. Today, I felt nothing but joy in remembering you. I can’t believe it’s taken 10 years to get to this point, where I can think of you and feel more joy then sorrow.

For the first few years after you died, I ached for weeks before March 15, every year. I wanted to hold a memorial service or plaster a huge sign on my roof, “I LOST THE BEST THING I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!” I wanted the world to see my pain, I wished every person on this planet had known you, and known what they lost when you left this Earth so soon.

Then came all these ridiculous grief experiences these last few years, and each one has reminded me of you. So, I thought it was about time to deal with the pain of your loss. I started writing my book. I know you’ve been watching me write it – you’ve been right there in the pages of it with me. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to publish the parts about you or not – but I was meant to write them.

I know some people might think it looks like living in the past, but I think, actually, it was the first time I could look at the pain of your death with eyes of compassion for myself, with awareness, and courage to face the depths of the pain.

I wrote out every last detail of you – I put to paper every single piece of you I could remember. I wracked my brain for memories, so I could put into words exactly what it felt like when you ran your fingers through my hair, what it felt like to chase you to the Ice Cream Truck on a warm summer afternoon, what it felt like to hug you for the last time.

There were a lot of memories of your death that I had buried, and they were painful to dig up, but I faced them, courageously, so I could get past them. Writing about you seemed to help heal the wounds, leave them there on the pages once and for all, with all the ugliness and betrayal I felt over having to say goodbye to you forever.

Now, 10 years later, I’m not stuck in the pain of your loss anymore.

I’ve been reminded of how blessed I was to pay witness to your little life, your curiosity and zest for observing every little thing, great or small.

Now, I realize, the best way to honor your life, would be to live like you did, and to help others live that way – to live in pure JOY.

So, that’s what I want to do. I want to help people find a way to joy.

The pain of your loss was so hard because I thought I had lost that joy, but now I’m realizing, joy is not something that can be lost forever. It is simply lost, then found, again. It disappears, and reappears in other forms. When we hold no attachment to how we receive joy, we open ourselves up to receiving it from a gazillion different abundant sources. But, if we stay stuck in the sorrow of a loss, we lose out on seeing the joy that always exists around us.

After my Grandma died last week, I decided, I’m moving forward, just for the joy of it. I keep hearing those words over and over and over in my head since that day I sat at her bedside and felt her, as if she were standing behind me. I could hear her saying, “Just for the joy of it!” With that much exuberance, too! She was telling me to live just for the joy of experiencing every moment.

I needed that wake-up call because these last few years have sent me to Hell and back, repeatedly, and each time, I’ve come back with the fire and brimstone ashes of Hell’s fire on my feet, treading pain and anger everywhere I go.

I don’t want to live like that – in the pain and suffering; the lack of loss. I’m realizing, joy and sorrow are on two sides of one thread, and it’s up to me which ends of the threads I want to use to weave my life together from here.

So, today, on a day that has always made me wistful and melancholy, all I can do is smile at the giggle-busting memories of you. I usually cry on this day every year, but today, I don’t feel an inkling of a tear in me. I just remember how much I used to love to play with you – I lived to be invited into your little Universe each day. I would follow your breadcrumbs anywhere they took me, because I knew every moment with you would feel magical.

I've been trying to spread the smiles with my own two kidlets - looks like it's workin'!

I want to try now, to create those giggle-busting moments in my own life, with my own kids, and the people I encounter each day. I want to try to be to my kids as a Mom, what I was to you, as an Aunt.

I want to push myself to expand in joy, instead of contracting in fear and pain. I want to spread joy, not just to my family, but to tons and tons of people all the over the place. Will you help me do that? Nudge me with a little inkling of your light every now and again so I don’t forget it? Help me keep this promise to myself and my little neck of the world?

You are not a part of my past, sweet boy, you are part of my present, and always will be. The joy you gave me, the light you filled me with – it’s still here. You’re still here. I can feel you. Thank you for all the indescribably perfect memories you gave me, for making me feel so special in your world, for two years and ten months of joy I’ll never forget with you. Thank you for loving me then, and loving me still. I’ll see you in my dreams and giggles, sweet boy. I’ll see you in my smiles. 

Promise Yourself

Promise Yourself…
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you
-Christian D. Larson