I Confess, I Killed the Metaphorical Tea Kettle!

It’s taken me awhile to have the courage to write this post.

I have a horrific confession.

Do you remember awhile back I talked about my lovely little tea kettle in my post “Accepting the Unacceptable – Part II”?

I had not paid enough attention to my poor tea kettle, and thus a thick residue had built up inside her, which I was unknowingly serving my family in their brown sugar oatmeal and tea.

I used the sweet tea kettle as a metaphor for our unattended pain. Her unresolved issues were affecting my family (what were we drinking?!) just like unresolved pain within us affects our lives and loved ones, whether we see it, or not.

When we don't take the time to look within, residue builds up, and seeps into our lives.

At the end of my post, I made a bold conviction to pay more attention to her, so she could return to her rightful place as the Sole Hot Water Provider in our home, and maybe even move her up to the front burner!

I had left her on the back burner – a reminder that she needed attention, yet still I didn’t feel inclined to get my hands dirty, grab the baking soda and vinegar, and go at that residue within. She just sat there, on the back burner for days, and looked on longingly as I warmed my water in the big, bad…microwave.

It was much easier to just forget about her, and just find a new way to get my hot water.

But, one day, I put a pot on the front burner to boil some frozen peas for the kiddos, and walked away…probably to this computer to check this blog.

Of course, I got lost in writing as I tend to. (Insert sheepish grin here) I don’t know how many minutes passed, but then I heard a strange sound, and smelled a strange odor. It sounded like a balloon slowly fizzing its air out, and it smelled like…something was burning!

I rushed to the stove, expecting to find charred peas glued to the bottom of yet another ruined pot (yes, I admit, this is not the first time this has happened). Instead, I found…this.

Look what happens when we put ourselves on the back burner and don't pay attention! =)

I left her on the back burner, and she got burned.

The fire within literally burned her from the inside out.

Poor, poor tea kettle.

In case you were wondering, as beat up as she was, she’d lost her ability to whistle awhile back, so that’s why I didn’t hear anything before it was too late.

Now, I don’t know what to do with her.

But, damn, I’ve learned a good lesson about putting myself on the back burner, waiting ’til later to deal with the hard stuff, and making bold claims on my blog about how much I love my tea kettle and want to take care of her!!!!

I had to come and share my story with you, with a grin and a giggle, as yet another reminder to take time EVERY SINGLE DAY to put yourself on the front burner, go within, and look at whatever is there.

In the last three years, more oft than not, what was “there” was hard for me to look at. There was anger, regret, pain upon pain, sorrow and fear. Not so pretty. But, living with those things inside of me, eating away at my life daily, slowly seeping poison into my life, was more painful, more detrimental to myself and others, then doing the hard work of sitting and looking at the hurts, and releasing them.

1) Sit still. Be quiet. Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths in, and out, slowly.

2) With your eyes closed, gently bring your pain to the surface like a bobber on a fishing line rises to the surface of the lake.

3) Sit, look at whatever arises. Ask yourself why you’re hurting/angry/scared. Then, begin to peel back the pain like the layers of an onion.

When my Grandma died last year, I could not understand why I was so upset over her death. She was almost 80, had been ill for awhile, and was ready to die.

It wasn’t until I sat with the pain and asked myself in that still, quiet time alone, “Why am I so angry about her death?” Then, waited, to listen for a response from within…that I heard the answer that granted me great peace.

“I’m so angry she’s gone! But, why?! She was old, she lived a long, full life! Why am I so affected by this death – of all the ones I’ve had – hers made the most sense so far?!”

And I continued with this inner dialogue, “Why am I not mourning her like a Grandmother? Why do I feel like I lost…a…best…friend?”

And there it was. The truth that had been hiding under all my hurt, anger, and pain. I was not mourning a Grandmother. I was mourning a best friend. Losing her had been like losing any woman in my peer group who I call up for coffee and cookies on a Tuesday morning.

4) Give yourself permission to grieve.

As soon as I realized this, I felt a huge heave-ho in my soul, and a gush of a release of the pain. I gave myself permission to grieve her like a best friend. I didn’t need anyone else to give me this permission, or to recognize this and validate it for me. I did that for myself. And, in doing so, granted myself freedom. I was able to work through the grief, consciously, and move forward, treasuring the memory of a woman who I was honored to call a friend and a Grandmother.

5) The last step was finding a new way to meet for myself and others, the needs she had met for me.

So, in her honor, despite my tendency towards hermitville after all this loss, I forced myself to work on being a good friend to others, and creating more relationships like the one I had with her. I have also worked harder at maintaining relationships with my remaining grandparents – and creating “friendships” with them, too.

I believe my Grandmother is still with me, so I gave myself one last permission – to keep talking to her like I always used to. When I get quiet, and still, I hear her replying, “Hi Boobala!” just like she always used to. So, in truth, I have not lost anything in her passing – in fact, I have gained so much.

These steps apply to ANY “negative” feeling you encounter in your life – whether it is a deep, devastating loss, or a less intricate tangle with a co-worker that leaves you riled up at work. Whenever you feel “against” something, take a moment to stop and look within, and you will find the true source of your pain which leads to healing, release, and gives rise to move forward with better understanding of yourself and others.

Now, as for that poor tea kettle of mine, I’m at a bit of a loss. I think the metaphor must end now – because frankly, I think I’m just going to have to get a new one finally! I have definitely learned, though, to look under the lid every so often though, and pay attention to what’s within (and, um, pay attention to which burner you’re turning on before you walk away, Megan!).

You Win…A New Car! (Really!)

This week, I’ve been rolling down a rowdy river of abundance, and so I decided it was time to stop and take roll call on the gratefulness gravy train, and pay it forward…by sharing it with you.

Please excuse me, because I think I’m about to start sounding like an overzealous car salesman here. I can’t help but overuse exclamation points – looking back at the last couple weeks, I really have to be exuberantly thankful, which requires prolific use of exclamation points and capitalization!

In the last two weeks…

I was GIVEN a new car at a fraction of the cost of my old one!
I was GIVEN hundreds of dollars worth of free groceries, and coupons for more!
My utility bills were paid in full for this month and next!
I received a new cell phone I needed (because my son keeps taking my phones for swims) for FREE.
I was GIVEN a shopping spree for my entire family.
And, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

I highly recommend this book. I hope I don't sound too pentecostally charismatic when I say, IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE! It has, really!

I have been reading (and re-reading) Catherine Ponder’s “Open Your Mind to Receive,” a gift from a dear friend who attributes a great deal of her success to this book.

Two of the main principles I’ve been practicing are:

1. Release your attachment to people, places and stuff and,
2. Giving is the first step to receiving. (We’ll discuss this one more in a later post.)

I’d like to tell you about how powerful the art of release has been in my life, as it’s been a sort of a “piano practice” for me these last few years in the midst of the throws of this lovely Recession.

“The act of release is one of your most effective forms of opening your mind to receive. [It] frees you from tightness, tension, and grasping…[and] helps you to become an open, receptive channel through which the intelligence of the Universe can flow to you…”
~Open Your Mind to Receive, pg. 26

Since I started reading this book, I’ve been practicing my own abridged version of one of her suggested affirmations.

I release my attachment to all people, places and things of the past or present. I manifest my true place with true prosperity now.

At first the idea of saying such a thing sounded absolutely ludicrous and outlandish to me. I started into this section of the book thinking, “I’m a perfectly content self-confessed co-dependent! I don’t want to release anything!”

But, then my dear friend, RECESSION came along and, like it or not, he started bush-whacking these lovely lessons on the art of releasing into me.

I used to hold on to my stuff, my people, and my little Linus’ blanket of materialistic paraphernalia I thought life and happiness required of me, so tightly, I nearly killed myself trying to grip it all as it slipped away.

It's just STUFF! Release and receive, release and receive!

When I started releasing, and releasing some more, and then a little more, I discovered a priceless gift this insidious friend, Recession, had given. That gift was freedom.

Remember? “The act of release frees you from tightness, tension and grasping.”

Oh the things I have released now! Homes, cars, jobs, people, places – you name it!

Catherine Ponder goes on to explain that this act of release frees us from negativity. I can see that now – because I no longer feel imprisoned by an attachment to people, places or things. If it’s not working for me anymore – if it’d serve me better to release it, sell it, give it away, or let it go in some way – I happily proceed forward. Here’s why:

“Elimination of something from your life is always an indication that something better is on the way.”

I could throw out countless stories to illustrate this point in my life (ah yes, that’s what the book I’m writing is for!). For now, I’ll just share my one most amazing recent illustration.

A few weeks back, I was imprisoned by a car payment that was no longer serving me, for a car that needed new tires, brakes, and maintenance I couldn’t give it. I’ve been repeating this affirmation daily:

I am now receiving. I am receiving now. I am receiving all the abundance the Universe has for me now.

But one day, as I was driving said maintenance-challenged SUV, I just looked up at the sky and made my request a little more direct:

“This car needs work, Universe! Ok, I’m trusting (insert gritting teeth here) that I am already receiving all the things I need for this car. So there!”

And, yes, I did stick my nose up at the sky with confidence at that last part!

In making this rather direct request, I tried to keep my mind open, just as Ponder suggests, to receive in any way possible, not just the ways I could foresee.

TWO WEEKS later, I RECEIVED a phone call out of the blue, offering me a car at a fraction of the cost of my car!

At first, I laughed at the sky, for fulfilling my request in a way I could not have foreseen. Then, I found out this new car had brand new versions of everything I’d been lacking in the old one – brakes, tires, etc. I knew it was the Universe replying – ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, my dear!

Bye, bye, old car!
(Not that's not really my old car, stalkers! Just trying to illustrate the point!)

To receive the new income, I had to release my old car, and any ideas I had about what kind of a car I wanted. Then, I got something, “BETTER!”

“Better” is not always, bigger, grander, more expensive or wonderfully ridiculous. Sometimes “better” is “smaller and more affordable.” “Better” may serve my heart more then my pocketbook, or serve my pocketbook more then my ego!

The art of release can be a painful one sometimes, but only when we try to grasp the things we need to release. If we are willing to open our minds to receive, and release our limitations and expectations on how exactly we should receive, we create an open channel for abundance to flow into our lives.

So, hop aboard your own gratefulness gravy train – grasp everything in your life as tightly as sand slipping through your fingers, and watch your “income” turn from a fight to a flow.

Let go, release, and receive! I dare you to try it!

(And to that special anonymous car-donor – you know who you are – thank you for sharing your abundance! You’ve got great car-ma comin’ your way. Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.)

P.S. I’m compiling some first-hand testimonials on the Release and Receive concept and how it’s worked for others. Do you have a story you could share? Have you released, and received something unexpected? Leave a comment below, and your story might be featured in a future episode of the Gratefulness Gravy Train!

Accepting the Unacceptable ~ Finding Peace in the Pain – Part II

Meet my tea kettle. She's broken and beat up, but she's mine & she's beautiful. She is me. Broken and beat-up, but beautiful.

Meet my tea kettle. She’s not pretty, but she does the job.

My tea kettle has been with me a long time – years in fact. She’s moved four times with me, even across states. She heats water for my organic green tea, for my kid’s Maple & Brown Sugar oatmeal.

For some reason, I have never wanted to look inside my tea kettle. I’m almost embarrassed to say, I never took off the lid and looked inside her or cleaned her out.

I didn’t want to know what was in there for some reason. I was afraid of what I might find. It seemed much easier to me to simply go on using her, without dealing with what was inside.

The thought crossed my mind awhile back, “I should really look inside and clean it out!” But, I ignored my instinct, thinking, “It boils water, how dirty could it be?”

Yesterday, I had to dump out all the water out, and when I did, large globs of white stuff came sputtering out.

Uh oh.

Time to clean out the tea kettle.

So, this morning, I hesitantly, finally took off the lid and FINALLY looked inside. Look what I found.

Look what happens when we don't take the time to look within...

Immediately, I thought, “Oh no! I’ve been poisoning myself and my family for years giving them water from this kettle!”

In considering that, I unveiled a beautiful metaphor for what we’re investigating here.

If I don’t deal with the build-up of pain within, I’m drinking poison, and feeding it to my family, too.

My dear friend, the same is true for you, and that pain you have bottle up inside. You may not be able to see it from your inside perspective, but I can assure you, your unresolved pain is indeed affecting the health of you AND your family.

I’m happy to report, after a little research, I have not, in fact, been poisoning my family. However, it is definitely not recommended to continue drinking this stuff.

So now, what do I do with this poor tea kettle? Well, to continue with the metaphor, I think I should take some time to care for it, wouldn’t you agree? I think it would be a lovely idea to take a soft, wet rag to it and clean it, so that it can be restored to it’s full grandeur as the Sole Hot Water Provider in our home!

According to my research, however, it may take a little more then a wet rag to clean her up. I’m going to need a few tools such as vinegar and baking soda.  But, that’s going to take some time, and some care, and I might have to get my hands dirty!

Ok, well, what’s the alternative?

Enjoy my tea and oatmeal with globs of chunky white calcium and lime build-up in it or throw out the tea kettle and get a new one.

Seems to me it makes the most sense to start with simply looking inside, and taking the time to clean it out. Sort of like that old saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

In the same way, take time to look within, see your pain and tend to it. See the tea pot as yourself, and be kind with yourself and the pain within.

I love my tea pot, so I’m going to take care of it. I’m going to clean it out gently and kindly, and I’m hoping, after spending a little time alone with her, I can restore her to her rightful place on that fine back burner on the stove.

Hmmm…maybe once she’s all cleaned up, I’ll even move her to front burner!

I think she might be ready, don’t you?

Might be time to move my tea kettle to the front burner after this!

Accepting the Unacceptable ~ Finding Peace in Pain

Editor’s Note: I’ve made some minor changes to this post, as I prepped Part 2 and new directions unfolded.

When you are facing a hard circumstance, it may feel like a black cloud has settled over you, and you have become one with that cloud. Your life becomes a dark rain storm, pouring down deep drops of sorrow and suffering into your life.

Perhaps you are going through a divorce, a job loss, facing financial issues, feeling the betrayal of a friend, or watching a loved one face an illness.

Whatever it is, it is your battle, and it can feel unbearable when you are at the heart of the pain.

I’ve been in this space countless times. It has become so familiar to me, for awhile I started to think it was me, because it became so hard to see the beauty of life, surrounded by darkness.

“When you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness…”
~The Little Soul & The Sun by Neale Donald Walsch

Walking this path of loss, I’ve had to work really hard, daily, at making the conscious choice to live in light, instead of darkness.

To do this, I have had to work at embracing the pain of hurts, injustices, or losses that I have not been able to face, from both the past and the present.

People say, “You shouldn’t live in the past!” The truth is, even if your pain started in the past, it is still in your present. It is affecting you every day, whether you see it or not.

Many of us feel we are not equipped to face and embrace our pain. We fear they will be too much to handle.

In fact, it is scientifically proven that unexpressed pain is what negatively impacts our emotional, physical and spiritual health. I experienced this in spades after the death of my nephew. The emotions were so intense, it felt they were impossible to face, so I buried them instead.

It has only been in the last few years of looking at my pain, that I’ve been able to address, accept, and move through that old pain, to find peace.

It’s been hard bringing up the past, but it helped me to be a healthier, more radiantly alive person.

Now, I try to address any negative emotions that come up immediately.

 

We have to resolve the undigested emotions that are buried in our bodies and lodged as stress in our minds. We have to unearth, own, and embrace the very parts of ourselves that have caused us the most pain, and the moment we do, the light of awareness will begin the process of transforming them.
~Debbie Ford, “The Shadow Effect” movie

Obesity, diabetes, heart disease and cancer, they are all the result significantly of chronic, unprocessed inflammatory molecules that have their correlates in the psycho logic world of chronic, unprocessed emotions and experiences.
~Dr. Daniel Bressler, MD, FACP, in “The Shadow Effect” movie

I learned the life-altering negative impacts of ignoring my pain when my nephew died. For years, I was joyless, unhappy, and living in the identity of victim-hood.

Photo courtesy Sunfellow Photography http://www.sunfellow.com/

A dear friend of mine likes to say, “You gotta feel it to heal it!”

I like to say, “You can’t go around it…gotta go through it!”

So, as you are sitting here reading this, I encourage you to gently notice the pain that is lying dormant, or maybe aggressively active, within you. Look at it and begin to see it with eyes of compassion instead of judgement. Can you see how it could dramatically improve your life to deal with this pain, instead of ignoring it? Can you see how this pain has kept you from living a more fulfilling life? 

Be willing to go within and look at your pain. This simple process requires no more then your willingness to participate. You don’t need anyone else to be with you in it. You don’t need any materials (although I do ALWAYS recommend having a good journal and a good book as your close friends AT ALL TIMES!). And, you don’t need to be afraid.

Part II will be posted tomorrow, so stay tuned.

________________

Thank you for reading, and if you would be kind, make me smile by leaving a little comment. =) It helps me to know what speaks to you, so I can write more on the topics that help you! So, go ahead, click that little comment button below and tell me you were here! You can DEW IT! 

Be A River, Not a Dam

I’m not usually one to “create stories.” I believe that every story can be told many different ways. We make a choice with every word we speak, every thought we think, to create a “good” story or a “bad” story out of our lives, our current circumstances, our “dramas”.

These stories often create suffering for us, because our perceptions are incorrect. We have ideas about what is good and bad, based on what society tells us, what our parents told us as children, and what we tell ourselves every day.

We think success looks a certain way, and so we fight to create a certain picture of it in our lives, which creates a fight…a struggle…for everything, and a continual feeling of suffering.

You Are A River…

Look at life as though you are a flowing river, simply moving along its course, over rocks, under bridges, around trees. Does the river curse the rocks it meets? No, because they guide it to the ocean or the lake.

The river doesn’t need to be anything other then what it is. It doesn’t need to go anywhere but where it is already going. The river will eventually reach the ocean, but it does not struggle and fight to get there…it goes with the flow.

I find that when I go with the flow of life – instead of trying to be a river flowing up a mountain, pushing towards some perception I have about who I should be -  I experience less suffering. When I reach obstacles, I simply move around them (or at least I try – I’m still re-training myself out of the “life is a struggle” perception I have!).

I used to damn the river and halt the entire abundant, natural flow of life around me to stop and curse that one damn rock that had gotten in my way.

The job loss. The financial challenges. The pay cut. Cancer. The latest death in the family. And even little things like the flu. The backache. The freaking oblivious driver on the road in front of me.

All this did was create constant dissatisfaction. And, it continually disrupted the flow of abundance in my life. How can a river flow to the ocean with one-hundred and forty-six damns along the way?

Don’t Make GOALS?

Thich Nhat Hanh, the great Buddhist teacher, says we should not have GOALS.

What?! Really, we shouldn’t have goals?! But, then how would we ever get anywhere? How would we plan for the future? How would we know we could control the outcome of our lives?!!! 

Trying to control everything in your life is what creates your suffering. You set up your bank accounts, your spreadsheets, your 401k’s, your investments, your vision of what success looks like to you. It’s your STORY of what success looks like.

Then, you find yourself flailing along on the highs and lows each of these come with, and that creates more suffering for you. Every time you feel that things are not going according to your plan, you stop to curse the rocks in the middle of the river.

Releasing control ends suffering. Control is trying to hold onto everything, to influence and manipulate the course of the river. Control is trying to swim upstream. The beauty and “success” of life is already here, happening right now. The beauty of life IS now. It is not something you need to struggle to reach somewhere “out there.”

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t strive for certain things in our lives. But, those “strivings” should also be a flow – a natural expression of who you are, rather then a struggle to try to be something you are not yet.

So, yes, set up your intentions for your life. Spend time reflecting on them every day. Think of them with hope. Speak them naturally and easily to the Universe and to the people you meet.

But, then, Go with the flow.

Rocks are part of the stream.

In fact, they are a necessary part of the stream. Do not curse them. They are simply re-directing you. Follow the direction they are creating. Seek the gifts in every challenge you come upon. Don’t be a victim of the story your misconceptions would have you create, based on ideas that only cause you pain.

Create your own story!  Let go of your ideas of who you NEED to be, and simply be…who you are, now.