Lean In, Baby, Just Lean In

I used to believe that bad things happening to me meant I was a bad person somehow. The truth is, the reason so much “bad” stuff has happened around me is simply because I love so many people so deeply and because, well, that’s life.

I used to be afraid to tell you more bad stuff was happening in my life because I don’t want pity, and because I thought for sure I was doing something to “deserve” all this bad stuff. On some level, I think I believed I had not become enlightened/empowered/aura-fied/chakra-fied/fully present/fearless/brave/spiritual/positive thinking enough to transcend suffering.

I wanted so badly in my journeys these last 4 years to find a way to transcend suffering. I really thought if I read enough books, meditated well enough, shared some insight with others who were suffering and maybe wrote a book, gave a speech, that would also help you transcend suffering… then everything would be better.

But, that’s not true. There is no such thing as transcending suffering. In fact, the very revolt against it only solidifies and intensifies its grip of angst on your soul.

I have not done anything to deserve 20 deaths in 4 years, moving 5 times, watching my daughter grieve her best friend, suffering through illness after illness after illness, pay cut after pay cut, job loss after job loss.

I have not done anything wrong. This stuff didn’t happen because I didn’t think positively enough. It didn’t happen because I’ve been living in fear. It didn’t happen because I’m not doing enough to attract all kinds of great things to myself, or because I didn’t practice The Secret or The Laws of Abundance or The Laws of Attraction or The Power of Now well enough to create A New Earth. It didn’t happen because I was unable to Return to Me or find The Gifts of Imperfection or create my own Translucent Revolutions after fully practicing The Four Agreements through a good Conversation With God. (Don’t get me wrong, I have read and loved most all those titles and they all helped me, but they did not help me learn how to fend off life’s lemons – no one can teach that).

All this “bad stuff” happened because I’m human, and this is the human experience.  This is just life. This is the life of someone who loves deeply, and thus has much to lose, much to ache over, much to grieve. God, who would want a life that had nothing to miss? Nothing to lose? Nothing to be afraid of leaving behind?

Instead of trying to find a way to live without loss – turn inward, put up walls of solitude and shut out anything that might possibly cause potential pain, I have chosen to keep buckled in on this rollercoaster ride and try my best to embrace both its dips and hills.

I have found the greatest thing I can give myself is compassion. Compassion for ourselves is allowing and softening into whatever feelings arise – good or bad – instead of shunning them away because they are “bad” or “uncomfortable.”

Thich Nhat Hanh says we should cradle our suffering like a baby, so, when I am hurting and angry, I try to look at myself like I look at my 6-year-old when she is in the midst of a full blown meltdown. On the surface, there is anger, pain, tears – underneath, there is sadness, sorrow, hurt, frustration, and a little girl just dying to be heard and understood.

We each have that child within, who just wants her pain to be seen and heard.

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It would be easy for me to turn into a mean, angry, violent person. I have so much hurt and anger inside for all the shit I’ve been handed. It takes everything in me to, instead, try to let it out – breathe through it, lean into it, feel it, and go through it, not around it. I have learned that allowing myself to be in the uncomfortable space of anger, frustration, self-doubt, shame, loneliness, and sorrow, is actually the only path through suffering. Lean in, not away. Soften into it. Have compassion for myself, instead of anger at myself for not being a perfect human being who has somehow magically found a way to live a life free of suffering.

So, instead of telling you to feel better today about whatever you are going through, I am going to tell you, go ahead and feel like crap. Have a pity party for one for a minute. Cry, throw a temper tantrum, punch a freaking wall. Then, pick yourself up like a child who fell off his bike, and wipe your tears away with compassion – true, all-encompassing, non-judgmental compassion that allows you to feel whatever you are feeling now.

I’d like to think life will get “better” eventually, but it may not, so I try to embrace whatever is before me – even the pain, because I know more joy is just around the corner, and all of it is part of this crazy, mad, happy sad beautiful life. For everything I have lost, I have loved a whole lot more.**

Cancer SUCKS, But…

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Cancer sucks. In fact, if I were honest, and willing to be profane, I would give Cancer a solid tongue lashing right now. I would fling multiple curse words at it because it has burned its hot branding into the lives of my loved ones far too much in the last three years.

In 2008, Cancer began an endless stretch of its slimy paws so close, so encroaching, and so frequently into my life, it felt like it’s sole purpose was to greedily rape my soul and break my heart a million times over. As of just a few weeks ago, Cancer has touched, and killed, six close loved ones in three short years. All but one of them were under the age of 52.

But (yes, there’s a “but!”), with time, I was able to take Cancer’s “Pandora’s box” of pain-infested manure and work it compost for my life’s flower garden. For me, this practice brings purpose to pain.

At the time that my fifty-year-old Aunt (my Dad’s younger sister) was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in ’08, we were not very close. She had been a solid, staple figure in my life, but I had always ached to truly know her at a soul level.

Even in the midst of her chemotherapy treatments, biopsies, and a brutal battle for survival, my fears of the unknown – of death and despair, and the discomfort of trying to get to know her better – kept me from making time to get to know her. I am ashamed to say, I didn’t visit her once that entire year.

But, in early 2009, after a short remission period, the Cancer returned with a vengeance and finally kicked me square in the rear, hard enough to knock the fear right out of me.

Suddenly, I was overbearingly reminded of the all-too-familiar taste of regret – a feeling I had known too well after my two-year-old nephew died. I hadn’t seen him for two months before his sudden death – a regret I would live with for eternity.

What Would I Regret More? 

I was scared to see my Aunt suffering, but the question of regret tormented me daily. I wondered, would I be sitting at her funeral thinking, “I wish I had known her better,” or would I be weeping in the back corner because I had, well, finally found a way to know her?

My Aunt Debbie holding my daughter

I didn’t have much money, and I had a two-year-old in tow, but I threw out all my excuses, and finally went to see her several times before her death. The gas money to drive two hours to see her just magically appeared, and bringing my daughter with, which I thought would certainly be a terrible idea, actually created the best memories I have with her.

We only had three months together, but that was what her Cancer gave us…time. Death can come in so many sudden, inexplicable, horrific forms that leave us filled with questions and regret. But, Cancer almost always gives us at least a little time with our loved ones.

When she did pass in March, I made another choice to push past my fears, and go be with her, and her family, in her final hours. I whispered in her ear, “It’s ok, you can go be at peace now,” and when I finished the sentence with, “We will miss you,” it had a new meaning it wouldn’t have had a few months before.

After she died, I spent a week putting together a photo slideshow of her life for the Memorial Service – it was my small way of trying to honor her.

I grieved her deeply, and tortured myself slowly through the placing of the photos of her life.

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But, as I sat in the back of the Church, making sure the slideshow went off without a hitch, a pipe burst in my hardened heart. I wept profuse puddles of tears for what I had lost. I had found a way to know her – my only regret, was waiting ‘til the last minute to try.

I HATE Cancer, But…

I hate Cancer. I loathe it, despise it, curse it, bemoan it. But, it has swept me to the death beds of five souls to make last-ditch memories, swear my unending love, unleash my tears, and relish in final shreds of joy with each one.

I can’t really say Cancer has been a gift in my life, because, well, this is Cancer we’re talking about. But, I can say, with a great deal of inner work, I was able to transform my hate in Cancer’s aftermath. For those of us left behind, that’s about the best we can do, I think.

“Sorrow, fear, and depression are all a kind of garbage…You can practice in order to turn these bits of garbage into flowers. It is not only your love that is organic; your hate is, too. So you should not throw anything out. All you have to do is learn how to transform your garbage into flowers.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh, “You Are Here”

“Expect the Worst” – Good Advice?

News of a family member’s unexpected illness last week sent me into temporary panic waves resembling those of the Indonesian tsunami of ’04.

I have to say, I am getting pretty dang sick of my Mom calling, with that hushed tone and the words, “I have news.” (And she’s probably pretty sick of it, too!)

“Hindsight is always 20/20” – how many times have we heard that line? In the last few years, it’s taken on new meaning for me. It seems no matter the terms or conditions of a loss, I always find something to regret in what I did or didn’t do beforehand.

So, I’ve developed a new preemptive strategy. I have decided to expect the worst. And, I’m saying this with a smile on my face because I believe it’s good advice for myself!

I am all about living in positivity, manifesting joy and abundance in your life through positive affirmations, and everything else I talk about here.

But, when it comes to pondering how much time you may or may not have with a loved one…whether they are perfectly healthy, or fighting an illness, my advice is this: Expect the worst.

Treat every person – every experience you have for that matter – like it has a signed and stamped impending expiration date.

Everything has an expiration date. Expecting the worst grants us freedom to enjoy each person and experience more fully and freely knowing "this too shall pass."

When I received the news about this most recent family member’s massive, debilitating stroke, my first thoughts were for her life, and then, for how much I had been in that life lately.

At Christmas-time I had given The Gift of Time to my loved ones, offering ideas of personalized “dates” together that I wanted to fulfill with each.

My first thought at this news was, “But I didn’t get to have my date with her yet!” Followed by, “Geez Megan, haven’t you learned anything yet about making the most of your time with people? Stop procrastinating! I don’t care how much you have going on in your life, or how many people have died lately, why didn’t you go see her like you promised?!!!”

It was at that moment that I decided this time, I’m going to expect the worst. This time, I’m going to rush to see her as soon, and as often, as possible.

I have to admit, going to visit her is going to be hard. Every time, putting myself in the face of illness and mortality has been oozingly uncomfortable. But, I would rather the discomfort of illness now, then the ache of regret later. Regret lives on after a loss, and becomes it’s own illness in us. I’ve tasted it so many times, I’ve really had enough of it now.

So, I’ve decided that the eternal optimist in me has its place, but so does the ever-so-jaded, reality-based pessimist. Honestly, that damn optimist has tricked me nearly every time. When my Aunt was dying of cancer, it said, “She beat it once, she’ll beat it again!” But, she didn’t beat it, and all those months I was telling myself she would, I was two hours away believing for a miracle instead of at her bed, savoring every last second with her.

My Grandmother was in her eighties, fighting late-stage Alzheimer’s and again, the optimist in me said, “She’s strong, otherwise healthy – she’ll be here for years!” When she suffered an unexpected stroke, I felt bruised and betrayed by that damn optimism. I would have treasured pessimism much more if it had forced me to her house a few more times those last couple months, in fear of impending doom.

If I had expected the worst every time, I would have had a lot more of just that – time, with each person. The plain truth is…if I’m too abundantly sanguine about a person’s health and longevity, I’m more likely to take them for granted.

So, my optimism can come along for the ride and hope for a speedy recovery for this one, but it’ll have to come hand-in-hand with pessimism. I’ve decided a healthy fire stoked under my rear is probably the better burn to feel now, then the painful sting of regret later.

Forgive me if I sound morbid, but, dear, dear, dear ones, this is it right here – this is why facing the discomfort of the impermanence of all things, sooner rather then later, empowers you!

Every moment is a death – life is always changing, there is truly nothing to hold onto in this life, that will not eventually slip away. This is not morbid – it is acceptance of the now, of reality, and that is freedom! It helps us treasure the moments we have now fully. Empowered by an awareness of impermanence, you can savor each moment more deeply.

“It is very useful to keep our concentration on impermanence alive. You think the other person in your life is going to be there forever, but that is not true. That person is impermanent, just like you. So if you can do something to make that person happy, you should do it right away. Anything you can do or say to make him or her happy – say it or do it now. It’s now or never.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh, “You Are Here” 

“Expecting the worst” doesn’t mean you end up living in morbid, worst-case scenario fright 24/7 – it means you live in eternal gratefulness for each moment, because you now know, each moment is truly a gift.

I am currently living in my fifth home in three years. Letting go of the first one was most painful – now that I’m in the fifth one, I hold it loosely. I enjoy it for what it has while I’m here, and also rest in a knowing that it could easily change. I expect the unexpected now, and this grants me abundant freedom.

I adore the elders in my family, and they adore the little ones in mine! We try to make the most of every minute we have together & fill our moments with lots of giggles!

The same applies to my loved ones – it’s good to expect the unexpected to ward off potential regret, but at the same time, I hold my loved ones loosely, knowing I have no control over when they leave this earth, and I can only do my best to enjoy them fully while they are here.

The many death experiences I have had have granted me the gift of understanding impermanence, of enjoying everything “for a season.” Grant yourself the freedom of holding life loosely! Enjoy every person and experience as though it were sand slipping through your fingers…wonderful to feel as it comes, and goes.

Update: I went to visit this family member just after writing this, and seeing her determination to regain her mobility, her dedication to living in the present moment, and her positive attitude, moved and inspired me. Seeing her was a gift to me, not just her. I am so glad I went, and I will go back again soon! It wasn’t easy seeing her so changed, but I felt like I’m starting to live up to my “Gift of Time” with her now, and we still plan to have that “date” soon.

Just Added Another Angel to my Heaven…

My Grandma passed away yesterday.

The last week or so watching her go as been pretty painful – one of the most painful losses I’ve had to witness yet, even in all the death I’ve experienced these last few years.

This is the third grandparent I’ve lost in 8 months. Wow.

And, she is number 13 in 3 years. Can you believe that? Thirteen deaths in three years?! I shared that number with a friend yesterday and he responded, “If I lost 13 people, I wouldn’t have anyone left. That would be all my family and friends.”

That made it hit home for me. It really has been quite a thing.

I told myself the other day, “Wow, I must have some really wonderful friends and family – God seems to want ‘em all back!”

I had a really horrific weekend, hence the reason I didn’t come and post. I did journal though, but what I wrote in my journal would need lots of black “censor” tags over it! I always say, a good journal is a best friend in times of grief. You can tell it anything, be honest, uncensored, horrific, angry, scary, mean – and it doesn’t judge you. In fact, if you read it back, it even gives you a good little dose of empathy, if you’ll have it.

I’m not feeling as angry now. I’m just taking this all in and trying to find the “Gifts in Grief,” as I always do. That’s such a funny term I’ve picked to use, because, really, at this point, fresh off a loss, it’s a hard thing to think of – finding gifts in grief.

But, I did find gifts, believe it or not.

This was the first time I really felt at peace with someone leaving. You might think, “Well, it’s easier to let go of someone in their 80′s who’s lived a long, full life,” and in some regards, you are right. But, on the other hand, this loss snuck up on us, when we thought she had years left with us, and it was a very hard loss to watch. I was angry and sad, and when I first heard she was dying, I decided to be angry at the sky/God/the Universe for handing me another death because, well, seriously, haven’t we had enough here lately?!

I sat at her bed side and my whole body held itself against what was happening. I was angry for myself, having to sit at another death bed. I was angry, again, for knowing all the signs of death. I was angry at my circumstances of kids, stress, work and life getting in the way of spending more time with her before she went.

But, again, I forced myself to get quiet and go within. I sat next to her bed, and closed my eyes, and did something very unusual, for me – for anyone, at that.

I smiled.

In my quiet, I could feel my Grandma’s spirit. I could feel her becoming a piece of the Earth, the sun, the sky. I could feel her almost splitting her spirit into a billion pieces and spreading herself out over the entire cosmos. There, there she is in the blade of grass. There, there she is in the warmth of the sun on my skin. There, there she is meandering down the creek in a flood of water. There, there she is, standing behind me, whispering, “You have been such a joy to me, dear.”

A feeling came over me that I could not describe. Something I had not identified yet, even in all this death. I could not name it, until one of my best friend’s named it for me, in a text message, the next day.

Friend: How are you doing today?

Me: Strangely, ok, somehow. Can’t explain it, but just feeling really at peace with it.

Friend: It took me 40 years to figure out that the “somehow” is the answer for a lot of my problems. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I wait it out. Something changes, everything changes. It is not my will activating anything, that much I know. Grace is a nice word for it.

Me: Nice way to put it. Thanks for sharing that.

grace:

1. a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior:

Synonyms: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness.

3. mercy; clemency; pardon

Synonyms: lenity, leniency, reprieve.

Yes, I do believe it was Grace that swept over me as I sat there at her bedside and found a smile in me. I felt unspeakable joy, peace…and grace.

The day before, I had read my Grandma this passage out of “You Are Here” (take notes, I want this read at my funeral!). As I sat there, I felt the words become powerfully real and true in this experience.

This body is not me.
I am not limited by this body.
I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born,
and I have never died.
Look at the ocean and the sky filled with stars, manifestations from my wondrous true mind.
Since before time, I have been free.
Birth and death are only doors through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey.
Birth and death are a game of hide- and seek.
So laugh with me,
hold my hand,
let us say good-bye,
say good-bye, to meet again soon.
We meet today.
We will meet again tomorrow.
We will meet at the source every moment.
We meet each other in all forms of life.

~By Thich Nhat Hanh, Chanting and Recitations from Plum Village. Page 188.

It was in that moment, that this feeling of being the Grim Reaper Girl seemed to dissipate in me.

I’ve called myself that, because I’ve felt like death was following me, and that I somehow, always end up ushering people out of this life. I don’t like all the ugliness of death in it’s physicality – it’s uncomfortable, unspeakable, hard to witness, hard to be fully present to. But, I am able to be present to it, and I think if I can be fully present sitting at death’s doorstep, I can pretty much face anything.

And, it’s not all ugly. It’s really how we look at it. I’ve been blessed to have people come into my life and remind me of what an honor it is to be with someone in death. In Buddhist teachings, they say Death and Birth are interconnected. We could not have one without the other.

I’m not religious, I don’t know what happens on the “other side.” I’d like to believe in a Heaven that looks a little like Robin William’s painted heaven in “What Dreams May Come” or Susie Salmon’s “dogs dancing” heaven in the book, “The Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold.

It does comfort me, though, to hear what people who’ve had NDE’s (near-death experiences) say – it’s always this overwhelming sense of peace, light and love they describe.

Believing we are all headed for that unspeakable joy and grace, I decided this time, to see the honor of celebrating someone into the afterlife, not just the hurt. It doesn’t take the hurt away, it just holds the hurt in that state of grace. I don’t know if I could do this again with death, and I don’t think I could ever go back, say to my nephew’s loss, and be able to find smiles through the tears over a loss that cruel. But, this time, for a girl who has certainly felt enough of the pain of death, it was nice to feel a little grace, too. 

A thought came into my heart as I smiled, “I’m NOT the Grim Reaper Girl. I’m just an angel on earth (as we all are!), helping other angels find their way home.”

What an honor that is, don’t you think?

So, what’s the morale of my story, my dears?

Celebrate life, every day, in every way.

Celebrate life, even ’til it’s last breaths on this Earth.

Celebrate life, even into the afterlife.

Wake up each day, and celebrate your life.

Always remember, there is joy unspeakable to be found, in every moment, in every experience.

For every sorrow once brought joy, and every death, large or small, to the afterlife, or just a new life on Earth, is a rebirth as well.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Accepting the Unacceptable ~ Finding Peace in the Pain – Part II

Meet my tea kettle. She's broken and beat up, but she's mine & she's beautiful. She is me. Broken and beat-up, but beautiful.

Meet my tea kettle. She’s not pretty, but she does the job.

My tea kettle has been with me a long time – years in fact. She’s moved four times with me, even across states. She heats water for my organic green tea, for my kid’s Maple & Brown Sugar oatmeal.

For some reason, I have never wanted to look inside my tea kettle. I’m almost embarrassed to say, I never took off the lid and looked inside her or cleaned her out.

I didn’t want to know what was in there for some reason. I was afraid of what I might find. It seemed much easier to me to simply go on using her, without dealing with what was inside.

The thought crossed my mind awhile back, “I should really look inside and clean it out!” But, I ignored my instinct, thinking, “It boils water, how dirty could it be?”

Yesterday, I had to dump out all the water out, and when I did, large globs of white stuff came sputtering out.

Uh oh.

Time to clean out the tea kettle.

So, this morning, I hesitantly, finally took off the lid and FINALLY looked inside. Look what I found.

Look what happens when we don't take the time to look within...

Immediately, I thought, “Oh no! I’ve been poisoning myself and my family for years giving them water from this kettle!”

In considering that, I unveiled a beautiful metaphor for what we’re investigating here.

If I don’t deal with the build-up of pain within, I’m drinking poison, and feeding it to my family, too.

My dear friend, the same is true for you, and that pain you have bottle up inside. You may not be able to see it from your inside perspective, but I can assure you, your unresolved pain is indeed affecting the health of you AND your family.

I’m happy to report, after a little research, I have not, in fact, been poisoning my family. However, it is definitely not recommended to continue drinking this stuff.

So now, what do I do with this poor tea kettle? Well, to continue with the metaphor, I think I should take some time to care for it, wouldn’t you agree? I think it would be a lovely idea to take a soft, wet rag to it and clean it, so that it can be restored to it’s full grandeur as the Sole Hot Water Provider in our home!

According to my research, however, it may take a little more then a wet rag to clean her up. I’m going to need a few tools such as vinegar and baking soda.  But, that’s going to take some time, and some care, and I might have to get my hands dirty!

Ok, well, what’s the alternative?

Enjoy my tea and oatmeal with globs of chunky white calcium and lime build-up in it or throw out the tea kettle and get a new one.

Seems to me it makes the most sense to start with simply looking inside, and taking the time to clean it out. Sort of like that old saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

In the same way, take time to look within, see your pain and tend to it. See the tea pot as yourself, and be kind with yourself and the pain within.

I love my tea pot, so I’m going to take care of it. I’m going to clean it out gently and kindly, and I’m hoping, after spending a little time alone with her, I can restore her to her rightful place on that fine back burner on the stove.

Hmmm…maybe once she’s all cleaned up, I’ll even move her to front burner!

I think she might be ready, don’t you?

Might be time to move my tea kettle to the front burner after this!

“And With This Compost, He Made A Flower Grow”

“If you look deeply at a flower, at its freshness and its beauty,

you will see that there is also compost in it, made of garbage.

The gardener had the skill to transform this garbage into compost,

and with this compost, he made a flower grow.”  

~ from “You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh 

Did Thay (I like to call him that, because that’s what his followers and friends call him, and when he speaks to my soul, I feel him like a friend) say this just for me? Did he see my life and speak it just for my soul to remember it is simply growing?

I’ve been struggling the last couple weeks, just sitting here looking at the latest pile of garbage I’ve been handed, wondering what to do with it. I am always the first to damn the obstacles in my life, no matter how well I know better. I look at them, yell at them, curse at them, shake my finger at them, and then I curl up in a ball and pout ‘til they go away.

‘Cept that just leaves me curled up in a ball, pouting, waiting forever, because I am living proof that an obstacle-free living does not exist.

“You are a gardener, and you have in your hands the power to transform garbage into flowers, into fruit, into vegetables.

You don’t throw anything away, because you are not afraid of garbage.

Your hands are capable of transforming it into flowers, or lettuce, or cucumbers.” 

~ from “You Are Here” by Thich Nhat Hanh 

I think this may be the most beautiful analogy I have ever heard for how I have felt these last few years. I’ve been handed so much garbage. Sometimes I have to sit and look at the garbage for a long time before I remember my ability to turn it into flowers again.

I’ve had to work very hard at reminding myself that I am the gardener. It is so much easier to play the helpless victim, whining, “Poor little me!” in the corner.

It is remembering our power that is so hard. Being willing to step into it, own it, and wield it like a sword, because the Earth was created for us to live fully in it. We are not born to breed a small, pinched existence. Our purpose in this life is to remember our inherent nature as limitless beings.

Thich Nhat Hanh goes on to speak of how flowers and garbage are both organic in nature, that we should not condemn the garbage (anger, fear, sorrow) because it exists in us in the same way love and compassion do.

He’s so right – it’s when we create this duality in ourselves of things we are “for” or “against,” that we create suffering. I look at obstacles and feel against them, and then I reject them, repel them, do whatever I can to make them go away, or pretend they’re not there. That creates my suffering, because I’m living in a constant state of not accepting ALL of what I’m feeling. I don’t like feeling angry and sad so I condemn those feelings. I forget that, as the gardener, it is my job to transform those “garbage” feelings into fruits or flowers. I forget that I know very well, just how to do that – I have, after all, had lots of practice!

The truth is, our anger and sorrow are equally a part of us. They are not ugly or even “good” or “bad.” They are simply the garbage, waiting to be transformed into flowers. They are the necessary compost to our inner garden.

Thay’s teachings on compassion towards our “garbage” have been the most transformative tools for my grief and pain. He teaches us to simply look at the garbage with eyes of compassion. It’s amazing how this simple practice has transformed me out of the pent-up swells of anger, into a place of peace, even as I’m still riding out my hurricanes. I take a moment to go within, and in the stillness and silence, I look at my pain and acknowledge it, softly. Immediately, it begins to break down, just as garbage breaks down into compost.

For the last week or so, I’ve been curled up in that ball cursing the latest obstacles in my life as this recession hands me more lemons upon lemons. Thay’s words today reminded me that I am the gardener, and I’ve already turned so much garbage into abundant corn rows of lilies and blooms!

I have to laugh at it a little because, really, for all the garbage in my compost pile, I’ve got an arboretum of copiously fragrant flowers coming, folks!

~~~

I know you have suffering, anger, hurt and sorrow in your heart, my friend. I hope you can look at them today with eyes of compassion, and remember their beautiful place in the fields of your soul.

That’s why you are here, because you wanted to remind yourself that you are the gardener, too.

Set Fire to The Rain

How do you rise from the fire when you’re still in the flames? 

 

I am hurting so much right now, it’s nearly unbearable. I’m not just in the flames, I am the flames. I am a raging fire of anger and pain.

Every time I say, “How much more can one person take?” Or, “How much worse can it get?” It gets worse. I get handed more shit. Yes, I am fully aware that there are 300 million people in the world who probably have it a lot worse then I do. But, right now, I have had three years of intense struggle, pain, and loss, and some days I just wake up and think, “I don’t know if I have any fight left in me anymore.”

Today is the one year anniversary of Kayta’s best friend’s death. For that, and so much more I’m dealing with right now, part of me would like to cry and scream all day.

There are two songs I’ve adopted as personal anthems lately. Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain and Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger. I keep hearing, “I set fire to the rain, watched it burn on your face,” and, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I want to set fire to the rain. I want to be great. I want to be stronger. I want to rise from the ashes like a phoenix ONCE AGAIN.

But, right now, I just want some peace. I keep trying to meditate because I know that’s where I can find peace but when I’m this angry, it’s really hard to get quiet and go within. It’s almost like I don’t want peace, like I’d rather hold on tight to my anger. Maybe for the moment I am content to be angry. Maybe I just want to be a raging machine for a second.

My friend told me the other day that a word I beg for often, “Reprieve,” is actually a word for a stay of execution right before death. 

I pondered on that for second. Then I thought, yes, that’s actually quite fitting! I do want a REPRIEVE, because my life has been all death, loss, change, struggle.

Here’s the thing, I will come out the other side of this, like everything else. But right now, I am accepting what is – remember my infamous Eckhart Tolle quote that has been the soluble solution of my life?

“Freedom from suffering is accepting this moment as it is.” 

Well, right now, I am accepting this moment as it is, in part at least. I am accepting that I am angry.

Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You should cradle your suffering like a baby.” So, I’m trying to be kind to my suffering and not judge it or try to get rid of it.  Just look at it, comfort it, and say, “I’m sorry you’re suffering.” I’ve got ten posts almost written on this topic because I know it’s so important. But, it looks like I need to start taking my own advice in this moment…follow my own steps.

First step to dealing with anger/pain/sadness/grief?

“Any negative emotion not fully expressed in the moment it arises leaves behind a remnant of pain.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I didn’t need ole’ Eckhart to tell me this. I have freaking LIVED it for over a decade now. I don’t want to be struggling and suffering, and I know I’m the only one who can change my perspective to see the beauty of life around the pain again. But, I can’t get there ’til I get my anger and sadness expressed first.

So, I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad. There ya go. Tomorrow, I may be a vision of peace again. But today, today I am a vision of pain, and that’s o.k.

I came on here and found two comments from a new friend today and it just busted me open and finally, I let down my tears into a swelling river and felt at least a bit of release, and now a bit of peace. That’s why I’m posting today. Because, it’s been my habit to self-sustain – not to depend on anyone else for help in times of need, not to “need” anyone or anything, to put on a brave face and get through it on my own.

But, a good friend recently taught me the beauty of asking for help, and so I’ve been trying to do it more.

On my first big “out me” post, Grim Reaper Girl – Part 1, many of you said, “I’m so sorry, I wish I had known…I would’ve…” One woman’s comments on that post stuck with me. 

Now, I keep coming back here to the blog thinking, “Ok, wait, maybe I don’t always have to be a vision of strength, maybe sometimes, I can be weak, and just ask…for…well…a reprieve.” 

Maybe the only reprieve I need to get through all this to find the “gifts in grief” again, is to be reminded I’m not alone. To hear, “I see you, I care.” I don’t want to “need” that. But, my own living truth is the words, “Why are we here? FOR EACH OTHER!” So, I’m living my words. I’ve given this blog as my gift to you, but you are a gift to me, too! 

I think I had this idea that I should always be a vision of strength for you. That showing my hurts and struggles would make me look…WEAK. But, actually, I’m remembering that it’s been my goal to emulate DEALING with pain. I don’t want to teach you to just put on a brave face and say, “I’m ok” when you’re not. I want to teach you how to express your hurts, cradle your suffering like a baby, reach out and ask for help, give yourself empathy for the pain you are facing, and then…THEN…after all that, we’ll start working on the “GETTING THROUGH the pain to the gifts on the other side” part.

(Wow, I feel so much better now! LOL! I guess I did just need to express it! First step is always “Express it!” Geez, Megan, haven’t you figured that out by now?!!!) 

Thanks for listening. I feel Stronger, and I think I’m starting to Set Fire to the Rain.

Please let me know you were here today?

~Me

Be A River, Not a Dam

I’m not usually one to “create stories.” I believe that every story can be told many different ways. We make a choice with every word we speak, every thought we think, to create a “good” story or a “bad” story out of our lives, our current circumstances, our “dramas”.

These stories often create suffering for us, because our perceptions are incorrect. We have ideas about what is good and bad, based on what society tells us, what our parents told us as children, and what we tell ourselves every day.

We think success looks a certain way, and so we fight to create a certain picture of it in our lives, which creates a fight…a struggle…for everything, and a continual feeling of suffering.

You Are A River…

Look at life as though you are a flowing river, simply moving along its course, over rocks, under bridges, around trees. Does the river curse the rocks it meets? No, because they guide it to the ocean or the lake.

The river doesn’t need to be anything other then what it is. It doesn’t need to go anywhere but where it is already going. The river will eventually reach the ocean, but it does not struggle and fight to get there…it goes with the flow.

I find that when I go with the flow of life – instead of trying to be a river flowing up a mountain, pushing towards some perception I have about who I should be -  I experience less suffering. When I reach obstacles, I simply move around them (or at least I try – I’m still re-training myself out of the “life is a struggle” perception I have!).

I used to damn the river and halt the entire abundant, natural flow of life around me to stop and curse that one damn rock that had gotten in my way.

The job loss. The financial challenges. The pay cut. Cancer. The latest death in the family. And even little things like the flu. The backache. The freaking oblivious driver on the road in front of me.

All this did was create constant dissatisfaction. And, it continually disrupted the flow of abundance in my life. How can a river flow to the ocean with one-hundred and forty-six damns along the way?

Don’t Make GOALS?

Thich Nhat Hanh, the great Buddhist teacher, says we should not have GOALS.

What?! Really, we shouldn’t have goals?! But, then how would we ever get anywhere? How would we plan for the future? How would we know we could control the outcome of our lives?!!! 

Trying to control everything in your life is what creates your suffering. You set up your bank accounts, your spreadsheets, your 401k’s, your investments, your vision of what success looks like to you. It’s your STORY of what success looks like.

Then, you find yourself flailing along on the highs and lows each of these come with, and that creates more suffering for you. Every time you feel that things are not going according to your plan, you stop to curse the rocks in the middle of the river.

Releasing control ends suffering. Control is trying to hold onto everything, to influence and manipulate the course of the river. Control is trying to swim upstream. The beauty and “success” of life is already here, happening right now. The beauty of life IS now. It is not something you need to struggle to reach somewhere “out there.”

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t strive for certain things in our lives. But, those “strivings” should also be a flow – a natural expression of who you are, rather then a struggle to try to be something you are not yet.

So, yes, set up your intentions for your life. Spend time reflecting on them every day. Think of them with hope. Speak them naturally and easily to the Universe and to the people you meet.

But, then, Go with the flow.

Rocks are part of the stream.

In fact, they are a necessary part of the stream. Do not curse them. They are simply re-directing you. Follow the direction they are creating. Seek the gifts in every challenge you come upon. Don’t be a victim of the story your misconceptions would have you create, based on ideas that only cause you pain.

Create your own story!  Let go of your ideas of who you NEED to be, and simply be…who you are, now.